DAMAGED 2.0 PRESENTS LOUIS'S (BELATED) FAVORITE MOVIES - THEATRICAL OR OTHERWISE - OF 2010!

INCEPTION? That's just the Little Rascals putting on an elementary school production of DREAMSCAPE. THE SOCIAL NETWORK? I need an “unlike” button for that one. BLACK SWAN? It's called a sandwich, Portman. Look into it. THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT? Since when did Lifetime start making theatrical movies? TRUE GRIT? Yeah, you heard my two-cents on that already.

Many of my favorite movies released in 2010—nine out of twelve, to be precise—were either sent packing straight-to-DVD or, if they were given the blissful opportunity to actually show in a theater, didn't bother to play anywhere in my locale. That's fine and dandy as far as I'm concerned; I used to love going to the movies, there was a real thrill and wonderment, as CINEMA PARADISO as it sounds, to taking in fresh entertainment on an immersive silver screen. But, as people get ruder, cellphones get brighter and movies get dumber, I'd just rather wait for it on DVD, in the comfort of my EZ-Boy, with my own reasonably priced snacks and beloved dog sitting right beside me. Why bother risking it anymore? The whole world has become a 42nd Street grindhouse, except now, the movies are all CGI-animated fiascoes from Dream works. This is progress, right?

These probably aren't the “best” movies of 2010, but they are my favorites, the ones I enjoyed the most, the ones that stuck with me and the ones that, if we lived in a perfect world, I would have camped out a week before, in front of the theater, making sure that I was first in line on opening day, instead of just walking the dog up to the Redbox.

LOUIS FOWLER'S (BELATED) FAVORITE MOVIES—THEATRICAL OR OTHERWISE—OF 2010 (In alphabetical order.)

THE A-TEAM (20th Century Fox): Definitely the most fun movie of 2010. Based, as you very well know, on the 80s TV show—one that, to be honest with you, I remember more for the merchandising than the actual show—this adaption should be the blueprint, now and forever, on how to do the perfect big summer action flick. Director Joe Carnahan—a more likable Brett Ratner, if you will—brings the same restraint that he showed with SMOKIN' ACES, which is to say, absolutely none. I mean, c'mon: how can you hate a movie that uses a free-falling tank as a weapon of mass destruction?

BITCH SLAP (20th Century Fox): Looking for some utterly reprehensible, socially irresponsible, comically adolescent, balls-to-the-wall, Russ Meyer-worshiping, girl-on-girl-versus-girl action? Then BITCH SLAP will knock you on your ass in no time! This is the movie that Quentin Tarantino's DEATH PROOF should have been. Three tough, buxom, Sapphic ladies gun-fighting, cat-fighting and, um, waterhose-fighting, in the desert for 90 blissfully trashy minutes. XENA veteran Rick Jacobson directs with a witty, gratuitous lens that understands and lovingly cradles all the exploitation clichés of T&A-drenched sex and violence, without ever having to rationalize it.

EDGE OF DARKNESS (Warner Bros.): If we can forgive child-rapist Roman Polanski for his “misdeeds”, than surely we can let Mel Gibson get away with a mere slap on the wrist. Wife-beating and racial slurs? Sorry, but I'm from Oklahoma—you'll have to do better than that to get me to stop seeing your movies, Mel! Especially when they are as enthralling as EDGE OF DARKNESS. A mercilessly gritty Gibson is a Boston cop investigating the death of his liberal activist daughter and the corporate agenda behind it. It sounds rote, but between Gibson's conviction and Martin Campbell's brutally shock-worthy direction—seriously, there's two scenes in particular, that, if you don't jump ten feet out of your chair, you're already dead or being gang-raped by minorities because you were provocatively dressed—this was a movie that sadly missed too many must-see lists, simply because of the hilariously stupid behind-the-scenes drama.

THE EXPENDABLES (Lionsgate): THE EXPENDABLES is a fun guy's movie, but is it great? No, not really—the badly-shot fight scenes really hurt it—but it makes my list for what it stands for: a return to old-school mature action film movie-making, starring real men and loaded with even more testosterone than bullets. Not to mention it beating out such celluloid emasculations EAT PRAY LOVE and, even more so, SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD, in it's opening weekend. Stallone says that a re-cut special edition DVD is on the way later this year, and I'm pretty excited to see what went wrong be made so right.

EYEBORGS (Image Entertainment): If you can get past the made-for-SyFy title, EYEBORGS is actually one of the best science-fiction films of the past ten years, and I say that with zero irony. While the story of robots gaining sentience and turning on their human creators is old hat, EYEBORGS takes the idea and mixes in a truly prophetic, anti-government stance, revealing a future that could be only days away. In an effort to curb terrorism, the Department of Homeland Security institutes the all-seeing Optical Defense Intelligence Network, wherein every American is monitored at all times — for their own good, of course, by mobile cameras, nicknamed "eyeborgs" in a plot to instill fear in US citizens and help the government overthrow oil-rich countries. Sound familiar? It should—you're living in it! (Duhn-duhn-DOUHHHHN!)

HACHI: A DOG'S TALE (Sony Pictures): I like action and horror flicks just fine, but, you know, the older I get, the more at the end of the day I just want to see movies about dogs and the bonds they have with their humans. It's probably why I liked MARMADUKE more than anyone else in America. And while I did find MARMADUKE likably funny, no other movie touched my heart and soul in 2010 the way HACHI: A DOG'S TALE did. Even though it boasts a top-notch cast—Richard Gere and Joan Allen—and is directed by Lasse Hallström, for some reason it totally skipped theaters and went straight to DVD, something I still don't get. (Please, Hollywood, explain that to me in the comments section!) It's adapted from a legendary Japanese story about a lovable Akita who, after the passing of his owner, sits and waits for him everyday at the train station where they would meet after work. It moved me to uncontrollable tears numerous times—even as I write this, I am getting choked up—and makes me wish the Academy had a special Oscar for “Best Animal Performance”. I loved this movie so much. I need a moment...

HARRY BROWN (Sony Pictures): Clint Eastwood's GRAN TORINO is a fantastic movie that, sadly, crapped out in the last fifteen minutes, offering inner-city hope and forgiveness instead of bullet-riddled gang-members. HARRY BROWN beautifully rectifies that, with a stoic Michael Caine—who, even at 77, continues to be THE EFFIN' MAN—pumping round after round into the English wigger-youths terrorizing his apartment complex. It's the best case for my pro-stance on vigilantism since the first DEATH WISH. Or the second DEATH WISH. Or definitely the third DEATH WISH.

LOST BOYS: THE THIRST (Warner Home Entertainment): The best horror movie of 2010, straight-to-DVD or otherwise. As our society continues it's downward spiral into a living Jack Chick tract (they get read!), vampires, evil creatures that should be feared are continually made into too cool ironic anti-heroes and asexual panty-wetting teen icons. After a truly mediocre first outing, the makers of LOST BOYS: THE THIRST must've gotten my memo, because they get it absolutely f-cking right this time, making a horror-comedy that puts bloodsuckers back where they belong: in Hell with a big fat stake through their heart. Even more so, THE THIRST is a brutally sly commentary on the current trend of romanticized TWILIGHT-esque vamps, with star Corey Feldman going out of his way to remind us that they're not supposed to be sexy, they're supposed to be undead Satanic scumbags who rape and kill everything that gets in their path of world domination. Too bad no one is listening.

MACHETE (20th Century Fox): ¡Viva Machete! Mexploitation hits the big time, about twenty years too late, but hey, it's here now, so that's something, right? Danny Trejo—the Hispanic Charles Bronson if there ever was one—is a one-man ass-kicking ex-Federale who slices and dices anyone who gets in his way, from racist politicians to overweight drug-lords. Robert Rodriguez, as always, delivers, but even more fun than the movie itself—oh, and it is a total blast—was watching my white friends squirm when they were telling me why they didn't like it, desperately coming up with words and euphemisms as not to appear racist themselves. Whites are so adorable when they're trying to be PC. It's how Obama got elected, after all!

MY SON, MY SON, WHAT HAVE YE DONE (First Look): Werner Herzog and David Lynch? Working together on a film? The only way I know this isn't a dream is because there isn't a dancing little person whispering "garmonbozia" in my ear. A fevered Michael Shannon stars as an unstable fella who, while whitewater rafting in Peru, begins to hear voices he later believes belong to God, speaking from an oatmeal container. I've been there, brother! Not helping matters: he's already in a manic state, constantly hounded by an oppressive mother, and obsessed with a Greek tragedy where a son slays his mother with a sword. Inspired by a true story, MY SON, MY SON, WHAT HAVE YE DONE is a taunting, haunting, well-paced psychological fable that even goes so far as to cast Willem Dafoe in the most likable role of his career. Actually, maybe the only likable role of his career.

PIGHUNT (Phase 4 Films): When it comes to monster movies, I want fun, dirty, sleazy little horror flicks that can guarantee me something I've never seen before, or, if I have seen it before, makes it so G-ddamned exaggerated that it circles back and becomes wholly original again. And, if you could, please, make it from the director of JASON X. Enter PIG HUNT. Managing to rip-off every horror movie of the past few years and still be excruciatingly original, it's got everything you could ever want in a horror movie: a-hole teens with soldier complexes, inbred backwoods rednecks, three-thousand pound mutant pigs, murderous cult-leaders with samurai swords...it's all here and it's a helluva good time.

UNTHINKABLE (Sony Pictures): Do you enjoy the torture scenes in movies like SAW or HOSTEL but wish they had a point? Even better, do you wish they'd spark a heated political debate among your friends or co-workers? OK, then here's UNTHINKABLE. An Islamic extremist has placed three nuclear devices in three cities. The government captures him and has 72 hours to find the locations. Do they offer him a Coke and a smile? Hell no! They bring in master interrogator Samuel L. Jackson, who, if you know Samuel L. Jackson, will extricate the information out of this muthaf-cka by any means necessary. And boy does he ever! UNTHINKABLE offers up an intriguing moral question without ever answering it for you: if millions of people are going to die tomorrow, is it OK to torture a man to death to save them? (The answer, of course, is yes. Sweet Lord, yes.)

Honorable mentions: THE FIGHTER, THE KARATE KID, KICK-ASS, THE LAST AIRBENDER, TRASH HUMPERS

Movies that weren't the best, but I definitely enjoyed the Hell out of them: 44 INCH CHEST, CENTURION, COP OUT, CYRUS, DEVIL, DISTRICT 13: ULTIMATUM, IRON MAN 2, THE LOSERS, MARMADUKE, PREDATORS, SURVIVAL OF THE DEAD, WINNEBAGO MAN

And, finally, movies that I'm sure would have made some sort of list if they hadn't been released in G-ddamned 3D: JACKASS 3D, PIRANHA 3D, RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE, SAW 3D