MARMADUKE: Spoiler alert: The dog doesn't die in the end.

MARMADUKE
Starring Owen Wilson, George Lopez, Judy Greer
Directed by Tom Dey
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
Review by Louis Fowler

I absolutely enjoyed MARMADUKE. Sue me. But, before you call a lawyer that might actually take that case, let me give you some background...

After sitting through—and embarrassingly bawling my rotten eyes out during—a screening of MARLEY AND ME in a packed-house shoebox dollar-theater, as I wiped sour tears on my sleeve, right there in the middle of the audience, I stood up, raising my fists and screaming defiantly to the heavens that I would write and produce my own dog-comedy, a movie that right there and then I decided to call NAUGHTY PUPPY.

As the first-draft screenplay for NAUGHTY PUPPY currently stands, it's about a hilariously mischievous canine rascal that gets into all kinds of trouble, played for laughs, of course. Naughty Puppy will track mud on a wealthy dowager's white carpet, hump a Persian cat named Chauncey, take a dump in a sandbox full of children, win a skateboarding competition, wreak havoc in a Golden Corral, go electric at the Newport Folk Festival, take a down 'n' out minor league baseball team to the World Series, inspire a classroom of ESL students to pass the SAT and possibly even solve a rape/murder/rape with the help of his human pal, Luis Flower (oddly enough, not based on me).

So, even though you've got all that, I'd still have to say that the best thing about NAUGHTY PUPPY is that, even though towards the end, just when you think that Naughty Puppy is about to perish in a dramatic recreation of 9/11, Angels descend upon the Earth and the Glorious St. Michael, flaming sword and all, lets Luis know that only those who looked past their puppy's foibles with laughter and mirth will be allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven. To which Naughty Puppy, voiced by Chris Tucker, of course, gives the camera a “thumbs up” and says his lovable catchphrase, “Sweet Sassy Moe-lassie!”

Cue big Latino-themed musical finale with Smashmouth doing a blisteringly funky ska-cover of “Low Rider”. Santana even shows up to provide some sweet South of the Border axe-licks.

You don't need to teach the audience about the importance of life by having man's best friend die in the end. You don't! How dare you make us guffaw at a dog's misbehavior for two hours, only to off 'em in the last fifteen minutes! That's so unfair; most dog-owners have learned to dig deep into their own humanity throughout the course of the animal's life. If you do it only fifteen minutes before he dies, then you should've gotten a cat, asshole. And that is the lesson that NAUGHTY PUPPY will try to teach children of all ages, especially since, as it stands, it will have at the least a hard-R rating.

But, until I can get the $200 million I need to make my movie—not to mention the 3-D technology that needs to be invented—MARMADUKE will have to do. And, you know, it does do. It does do very well. Based on the long-running comic strip located in the Sunday Funnies, this live-action adaptation does an utterly commendable job of giving me all the hilarious dog misadventures I can handle—including dog-surfing!—and none of the agonizing mortality. Voiced by Owen Wilson—also in MARLEY AND ME, but as a human, BORING!—MARMADUKE is a sassy cut-up who, after moving to California, learns that popularity isn't all it's cut-out to be. Don't I know it, brother!

And it has dog-surfing! As a matter of fact, this scene also contains the best line of dialogue from any movie released so far this year: “It's a beautiful day here in Southern California for dog-surfing!”

(I have been trying to use that anytime I'm taking to anyone about the weather. For example, today at the post office, a hippie gent that I was standing next to in line said “Fall's coming. It's getting cooler.” To which I replied, “Yeah, it's the perfect type of weather for dog-surfing.” He looked at me awkwardly and continued to not bathe.)

So, Capt. Litigious, go ahead, dial that lawyer now. I presented a strong case, I think. MARMADUKE is a fun movie that I actually had a real fun time watching, with plenty of actually funny dog-based jokes that are totally easy to personalize and place on your own beloved four-legged furry best friends.

And, most importantly, it will satiate your need for this sub-genre of movie until NAUGHTY PUPPY comes along and accidentally knocks you off your cinematic high horse. Because he's a total klutz. It's probably a good idea to get some renter's insurance.

DAMAGED Reading: AND PARTY EVERY DAY: THE INSIDE STORY OF CASABLANCA RECORDS: Love to love them baby!

AND PARTY EVERY DAY: THE INSIDE STORY OF CASABLANCA RECORDS
By Larry Harris
Backbeat Books
Review by Louis Fowler

I love cocaine.

Well, let me rephrase that: I love the idea of cocaine. If said pop-culture has taught me anything about Sweet Lady Nose-Toot, it's that it is always a great way to get any party started; a couple of quick lines off the floor of a rest area toilet-lid and in no time at all you'll be spinning an endless number of Giorgio Moroder 12-inch white label promos in ass-less leather chaps while a 12-year-old Thai lady-boy wearing only angel-wings gets a nosebleed and passes out under Truman Capote's ball-sack.

And, even more tempting, don't forget all that unwashed disco-trim you'll be soaking in! Hedonistic honeys in humid hot-pants will do the most unspeakable of sexual acts for just a little snort off of your flaccid shaft. Talk about a “blow” job!

This all still happens, right? Like, in New York? Please don't let me be the only jerk-off standing around in ass-less leather chaps here...

OK. So even if it doesn't happen too much these days, I can at least take it for granted that the 70s were a guaranteed winter wonderland! Please, don't take that from me too, because if a time machine ever gets invented, I'm bringing a stack of twenties, a jar of penicillin and, as my own personal tour-guide, AND PARTY EVERY DAY, written by Larry Harris, one of the founders of the notorious Casablanca Records.

For those that don't know, Casablanca Records was greatest record label of all-time, releasing music from such era-defining acts as the aforementioned Moroder, as well as Donna Summer, Village People, Parliament, Angel, KISS and Meadowlark Lemon. They were the ultimate pop-music hit-making factory, fueled completely by a neverending supply of pussy 'n' blow, usually in that order. Of course, the fact that Harris and partner Neil Bogart had a mystical sixth-sense for upcoming pop-culture fads and catchy pop-hooks, well, maybe that had a little bit more to do with it...but I'm sure the coke did it's job.

Even though Harris does a good job of protecting his completely honest, nice Jewish boy persona, he's also shockingly cavalier about his entire run at Casablanca, from pants-throb-inducing nights at Studio 54 to bribing disc jockeys with a little China White, all the way down to the ego-driven collapse of the disco empire that Casablanca so painstakingly built, seized brick by seized brick. Harris lays it all down on the line as he does another line; that's why this is one of the best music industry books I've read in quite a while—everything you thought that went on behind the doors of Casablanca is finally confirmed and it's a satisfying realization of all your beats-per-minute dance-fever daydreams.

So you can see why I need to take this book with me. I've got my plan all worked out: travel back to 1976 L.A., make friends with Larry, work my way into the inner circle, write a song called “Stonewallin'” for the Village People, overdose on the Sunset Strip while face-down in Bianca Jagger, be forced into a scream-therapy psychiatric rehab clinic by my employers, become a follower of Baba Ram Dass, sell out and go to work producing whatever Don Henley is excreting and, finally, write an autobiography of my debaucherous life and times called JUS' A TASTE OF THE KID: THE DOWN 'N' DIRTY WORLD OF LOUIS FOWLER, MUSIC BIZ SURVIVOR.

Sorry, alternate time-line Larry Harris...looks like you'll just have to find something else to write about.