DAMAGED Reading: HELLBENT FOR COOKING: THE HEAVY METAL COOKBOOK: 101 BASIC RECIPIES BY METAL BANDS FROM 32 COUNTRIES

HELLBENT FOR COOKING: THE HEAVY METAL COOKBOOK: 101 BASIC RECIPIES BY METAL BANDS FROM 32 COUNTRIES
by Annick “Morbid Chef” Giroux
Bazillion Points

I'm kind of a pussy. Well, at least when it comes to metal, I'm kind of a pussy.

You see, when I think of metal, I think of Guns 'N' Roses or Motley Crue or, god forbid, Poison. Melodic paeans to debauchery, wherein the songwriter's idea of romance is pouring a fifth of Jack all over a groupie's well-worn tits. It's something I can fully identify with.

But, as I have learned from my numerous years in the music business, like I said, I am a total fucking pussy. True metal comes from bands with names like Grimorium Verum, Funerot and Faustcoven. And don't forget Necrosadist! As a matter of fact, I have already prepped myself for the scads of metal-heads with Google Alerts based around their fave bands, commenting on auto-pilot with things like “YoU Thimnk POISoN is Metal??..RoTTTING CHRIST for LIFE< FAGIT!!!”

That being said, who knew that bands with indecipherable logos and such obvious issues with Christianity would have such discernible taste-buds? Downright adorable Canadian chef Annick Giroux did, and she's compiled 101 unholy recipes from only the scrungiest of guttural bands, ranging from Pentagram's “Delicious Oriental Chicken Casserole” to Autopsy's “Mummified Jalapeño Bacon Bombs” in a cookbook that manages to eschew it's would-be novelty implications because, well, the food is actually good.

For example, the other night I made “Frijoles Borrachos”, sent in by the Colombian group Witchtrap. It's a recipe for beer-soaked beans, basically, and served with guacamole and fried plantains. The recipes are written very concise and simple enough for even the most mongoloid of metal-heads to follow. From trashy comfort food to complex lamb dishes, Giroux manages to invite everyone to the paint-sniffing party with a helpful, conversational tone that will have that old JOY OF COOKING book carving an upside-down cross into it's forearm.

But, as good as HELLBENT FOR COOKING is (I plan on doing a JULIE & JULIA like experiment with it), I can only look forward to volume two, where we get recipes from REAL metal-stars, such as Sebastian Bach's “Eggplant Pizza Gone Wild”, Tommy Lee's “Foot-Long Frank Sandwich” and Jani Lane's “Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich Chocolate Eclairs”.

I bet you thought I was going to make a “Cherry Pie” reference with that last one. Who's the poseur now?