DAMAGED Goods: Doritos Late Night -- ALL NIGHTER CHEESEBURGER!!!

You know how, sometimes when you're in a crowd of people, and someone starts smoking, there's always that one attention-seeking creep who starts fake-coughing really loud to let you know that they don't appreciate the carcinogens infiltrating their airspace? That's nothing compared to the jerks who scorn and scoff whenever even the slightest morsel of junk food is brought into their eyeline. "UGH! I CAN FEEL THE MSG RACING THROUGH MY VEINS JUST BY LOOKING AT THAT! CHEESEBURGERS? GROSS! YOU SHOULDN'T EAT JUNK FOOD!" they scream as they swig their sixth microbrew that evening.

Look, we're not idiots. We know stuff like this is bad for you. If you don't, you're either an imbecile or Precious' mom. Or both. I applaud the ability you have to stave off the temptation of putting additives and preservatives in your body via a steady diet of hops and barley stirred by a guy in Crocs, but let others be. I'm looking at you, you frail albino douchebag hippie who had to publicly state his distaste when I purchased these to review. (A few minutes later, he was outside smoking! Liberal goose/ganderism wins again!)



Anyway, I love what Doritos is doing with their "Late Night" chip-line--aptly named because they are perfect to snack on at one in the morning after a rather furious bout of masturbating and cutting yourself. I previously reviewed Tacos at Midnight was amazed at how, yes, they tasted exactly like a taco. And here's their latest concoction, All Nighter Cheeseburger and, by gum, does it ever taste exactly like a cheeseburger! No foolin'!

The first thing you taste is ketchup and pickles. It's very slight and in no way off-putting. Then, a bit of cheese and a real smoky, meaty taste pops up.It's amazing how they are able to pack this much realistic hamburger flavor into every chip, but, then again, it's also scary: what if this is the test market for those futuristic food-capsule pills that sci-fi movies of the 1950s tried to warn us about?



Oh well...you win again, Doritos.

CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE: Where's my government to protect me from this filth???

CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE
Starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Bai Ling
Directed by Neveldine/Taylor
Lionsgate
Review by Louis Fowler

The more socially irresponsible and irredeemable a movie, the more I'll probably like it. And, let's be honest: it doesn't get more socially irresponsible or irredeemable than CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE. It's got wanton drug use, hilarious racism, bone-cracking misogyny, rampant use of the f-word...it's everything that an impressionable youngster, such as I, needs and wants to give him the courage to commit arson, rape or a hate crime.

CRANK 2 is so extreme that you gotta ask just how was this ultra-un-PC affair not only bankrolled by a Hollywood studio, but how are Neveldine/Taylor not blacklisted and booted out of the town? How is Obama not coming out against these guys? Where's the Senate bill to protect us from such utter filth and garbage? I demand to be protected!

But, given the balls on N/T, I'm sure that they'd just go on to become cinematic outlaws, making underground action flicks and distributing them via some sort of clandestine bootlegging outlet, probably with ads in the back of 'zines. And maybe that's why I love everything these guys do so much: they aren't fakes or frauds. Their insanely intense love of not filmmaking, but ENTERTAINING, comes through in every single frame of whatever they do. Especially here. CRANK 2, is, quite honestly, the most entertaining movie you could watch, ever. And I say that with total disregard for hyperbole!

Chev “Fuck You” Chelios miraculously survives his drop out of a helicopter, pounding the pavement, only to be immediately shoveled—literally—off the road and thrown into the back of a van filled with Triads who then go as far as to carve out his ticker, give it to a dude named Poon Dong, and replace it with an artificial one that, per the movie's subtitle, needs constant jolts of electricity to keep it running. He then goes through a labyrinthine puzzle of villains and thugs to get it back, and, yeah, just from that line right there, I can see how you'd think it would be just like the first CRANK, and, story-wise, it sure is.

But the original feels so restrained in comparison—N/T use every style possible to get Chelios from point A to point B, one homage or rip-off thrown in with no rhyme or reason. Mexican spastics, Thai hookers, black leather-daddies, picketing porn stars, Ginger Spice, a recreated scene from KING KONG VS. GODZILLA and a race-horse's massive cock...and I'm still missing things. Outside of a Troma movie, or maybe a Bolivian snuff film, I can even think of another movie that not really pushes the boundaries, but defecates on them with retard-strength glee, especially in a mainstream flick, the way CRANK 2 does.

CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE will make you want to actually try crank. Actually load up a syringe with chemical-based homemade drugs and shoot it into the space between your fingers. It's a gateway film to harder, rougher things that'll have you prostitute your own Asian mother for cash to get more. And, for that, I wish you a long career in Hollywood, Neveldine/Taylor. Me love you long time.

MY LIFE IN RUINS: Doin' it Greek-style!

MY LIFE IN RUINS
Starring Nia Vardalos, Alexis Georgoulis, Richard Dreyfuss
Directed by Donald Petrie
Fox Searchlight
Review by Louis Fowler

The older I get, the more I start to have cinematic crushes on women like Nia Vardalos. I'd like to just chock it up to maturity, but, I feel it's more the fact that, when you have to sit through these ultra-female marketed movies, and that's the only woman shoved in your face for two hours, you start to develop tastes that, in your younger days, you'd have scoffed off. When the movie's done, it sticks with you. Equal parts spunky personality and well-aged curvy body, a total mash-up of big head and little head coming together in solidarity. Right now, at this point in my life, I'd take a night with Vardalos anytime over, say, some current teen pop-tart that's on the cover of MAXIM.

And, too, because I am getting to be an old man.

I bring this up because, while watching MY LIFE IN RUINS, a movie that, for all intents and purposes I should absolutely hate, but couldn't bring myself to do it because of the rock-hard marble pillar that Vardalos gave me throughout the damn thing. Sorry to be crass, but that element is an important part of my review, letting you know right off the bat that my missive is probably clouded and in no way really reflects the quality of the actual movie. I actually got aroused at the idea of licking her bleached-yet-obvious mustache. That's where my mind is about this thing.

Vardalos, the cinematic one-hit wonder behind MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING, is, in case you don't know, of Greek heritage and fiercely proud of it. So fiercely proud that we are beaten over the head with the fact in RUINS to the point where I'm surprised it didn't come with an Athens timeshare. She's Georgia, a lonely, cynical tour-guide stuck giving bus tours around various Greek landmarks to the most lovable hodgepodge of international stereotypes, from loud, tacky Americans to Japanese tourists who need to photograph everything and rowdy Aussies who are constantly chugging Foster's in the most unlikely of places. It's like the producers were so busy trying to get Greece just right they forgot to give personalities to any other nationality.

The funny thing is that even Greece is one big Pantheon of postcard pastiches, wherein on every corner is swarthy bouzouki players who watch ZORBA THE GREEK on repeat while snacking on gyros and yogurt sauce, breaking to a plate-smashing “Oompah!” chorus at a moment's notice. I'm pretty sure the producers did all their research at Epcot center while referencing Wikipedia for authenticity.

So, anyway, the different bus-riders, led by a doughy, mincing, thoroughly embarrassing Richard Dreyfuss who seems to be doing everything in his power to make you forget his multiple decades of quality work, a la DeNiro, all teach her to live life to it's fullest, accept the love that's right in front of her face, live her dreams...you know the drill.

So is MY LIFE IN RUINS a stupid movie? Oh God, you bet. But is it watchable? Yeah, of course. Will it make great, makeshift masturbatory material? Without a doubt, for men, women and couples alike. Please tell Vardalos I said that.

DAMAGED Reading: BECOMING BATMAN: THE POSSIBILITY OF A SUPERHERO

BECOMING BATMAN: THE POSSIBILITY OF A SUPERHERO
by E. Paul Zehr
The Johns Hopkins University Press
Review by Louis Fowler

I hated school. Hated it. I admittedly just did the bare minimum to get out of there, but, luckily enough, my bare minimum was at least a B+ average, so no one really noticed. I looked at school as a necessary evil and I played the game inside the hallowed halls, but focused most of my time on my non-sanctioned extracurricular activities, such as 'zine publishing or bootlegging videotapes. I also had quite the lucrative PLAYBOY resell franchise going on inside my backpack.

When I look back, I have to ask myself, why? Why did I feel that way? Was it because I felt like I had no connection with any of my classmates? Sure, we can say that. Was it because I felt bored all the time and completely unchallenged? OK, sounds good. Or what about the fact that I had no teachers that, well, inspired me? That's probably the closest thing to the truth.

Most of my teachers were, for lack of a better term, jerk-offs.

As much as I can't stand the ethnic-based, treacly feel-good teachers of STAND AND DELIVER, DANGEROUS MINDS, etc., if only I had a paid, career educator who found the time to inspire me and make me WANT to learn, instead of, say, chastising me for picking up my soon-be-dissected frog, putting a quickly made top hat on him and having him sing “Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal...”. If they had said “Louis, I love your creative use of classic Warner Brothers cartoon references! Let's try to work it into the curriculum!”, I probably would have cared. I would probably be a scientist or something right now.

E. Paul Zehr, a professor of neuro-science and kinesiology at the University of Victoria, British Columbia, seems like the kind of “cool” teacher who likes to inspire and ignite his student's need for learning through pop culture references, as witnessed in his highly entertaining, super-educational BECOMING BATMAN. Most of it is Greek to me, sure, but I wish I had had this as a textbook in high school. As a matter of fact, if you care at all about your kid's education, purchase this book for them for Christmas or whatever other Holiday sentiment you choose to express.

Zehr goes deep into the ideas of what type of training and diet that Bruce Wayne would have had to prescribe to in order to become the highly-trained Dark Knight Detective we all know and fear. Needless to say, it's an insane, wholly unattainable regiment that only a billionaire with endless resources and no need for a day job could handle. There's no hope for any of us to ever reach those physical heights—you'd have better luck getting bit by a radioactive spider.

With equal parts nerdy humor and serious, in-depth study, BECOMING BATMAN takes the escapism of the Caped Crusader and puts it in real world, grounded scientific terms that is not only extremely entertaining and interesting, but, if you're not careful, you might learn something.

DAMAGED 2.0 Presents Louis's Favorite Theatrical Releases of 2009! (In which I make many concessions due to region placement.)

2009 was a great year for movies!

Well, it was if you lived anywhere else besides Fort Collins, like, say, New York or L.A. Even my former cinema mater, Oklahoma City, looks like arthouse central in comparison to what we get out here in Northern Colorado. All of you moviegoers out there with good, diverse movie-houses, thank your God and/or lucky stars every time you fork over that cash and buy a ticket. You have CHOICE. You have a virtual buffet of entertainment...AND YET YOU STILL CHOOSE TO SEE TRANSFORMERS 2! What is that all about???

You should have your eyeballs revoked.

The movies I really wanted to see...I didn't, through no fault of my own, of course. They simply skip this little granola-berg in favor of some Warren Miller snowboarding J/O material. Some are finally starting to trickle out on DVD, others, well...will someone teach me how to use this newfangled torrent thing? I had a definite list of what I loved this year, my ultimate favorites, my toppermost of the poppermost:

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS
OBSERVE AND REPORT
CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE
BLACK DYNAMITE
H2 (HALLOWEEN 2)
DISTRICT 9
WORLD'S GREATEST DAD

And now here are the movies that I liked just fine and was enormously entertained by, for the most part:

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE
STAR TREK
THE HANGOVER
NINJA ASSASSIN
GAMER
I LOVE YOU, MAN
BRUNO
EXTRACT

There is one movie in particular that I am still on the fence about: FUNNY PEOPLE. I am a big fan of Judd Apatow, but here it seemed that he got a little to big for his britches, branching out into a James L. Brooks-esque drama that he's just not ready, maturity-wise, to fully accomplish yet. It has a lot of great moments, but so much maudlin.

OK, so we got through everything I loved and liked. But I guarantee that, if I had seen, for example, Lars Von Trier's ANTICHRIST, I probably would have had a new number one. No, probably two--it's hard to beat BASTERDS. But I am a huge fan of Von Trier and Charlotte Gainsbourg and rampant misogyny and most movies that get booed off the stage, so I know that it would have been fascinatingly loved by me.

Same goes for PRECIOUS. One critic, Armond White (who is probably my favorite critic, second only Debbie Schlussel, but for all the wrong reasons, mind you), I believe, described the movie as a "John Waters film for black folks." That sounds like a dream flick to me! Now, to be fair, this did play in Fort Collins, at our little Old Town two-screener, but have you ever seen a black drama with white Fort Collins residents? Constant self-important head-shaking at a culture they will never, ever, know anything about. I'm sure my Divine-inspired guffaws would routinely have me ousted by the patchy-bearded male-feminist atheist-wiccan vegan-burrito noshers who seem to constantly stink up the joint. Or at least a minor, utterly-useless, bike-related protest outside my residence.

Besides ANTICHRIST and PRECIOUS, here's what else I'm sure was bad-ass but bad-passed us up:

THE HURT LOCKER, BIG FAN, BRONSON, GOOD HAIR, ONG-BAK 2, GENTLEMAN BRONCOS, BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS, BROKEN EMBRACES, THE ROAD

We're about two weeks into 2010 now, and I don't think I've seen a movie in a theater since, well...at least early December. Nothing has excited me, intrigued me. SHERLOCK HOLMES? Eh, maybe on DVD. UP IN THE AIR? The recent embarrassingly fraudulent cover story in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY nixed that idea. And AVATAR? I will never, ever see AVATAR. Why? Just ask these douchebags:



On second thought, I'm glad I don't live in New York or L.A...

DAMAGED Goods: The Mac Snack Wrap!

Let's be perfectly clear about one thing: only white people refer to something in a tortilla as a "wrap". I don't know why--maybe it has something to do with your fear of us banging your women--but if you put something in a tortilla and roll it up, it is a burrito. Plain and simple. This is a Big Mac Burrito. A Grande Mac?

And I like it!



There's not much to it: the ad-wizards at McD's took the filling of a Big Mac--meat, cheese, onions, pickles, lettuce and secret sauce--and just stuck it all hurdy-gurdy in a tortilla. And it works well. And it tastes really good. And it's cheap--usually two for three bucks. It's very filling and really goes to show you just how much filler those hamburger buns really take up.



It kinda makes me wonder how long it'll be before other fast food eateries will be dumping their wares into a factory-direct flour tortilla. The BK Flame Broiled A-1 Angry Wrap? The Arby's Roast Beef 'n' Cheddar Snack Attack Horseradish Wrap? The Taco Bell Volcano Nacho Cheese Potato Wrap?

Oh, how about this: the McRib Snack Wrap??? A McRib patty, spicy BBQ sauce, pickles and onions on a tortilla! I'll take two! Let's get on this, Ray Kroc, you brilliant dead bastard, you!

DAMAGED 2.0 Presents Louis's Favorite 5/6 Digital Video Discs of 2009! (Why do I have to go and complicate things?)

Around this time, I always get asked by various newspapers and websites to come up with top ten favorite DVDs of the year. Usually, around December, I go through my collection and try to pick through the scads of movies sent to me by studios, distributors and homegrown filmmakers. This time though, it hit me: I really need to start differentiating between what I like. I can't compare a reissue to a straight-to-DVD flick, just like I can compare either of those to a theatrical film released on DVD. So, in order to just be difficult and make things harder for the people who actually want my work, I gotta go and make all these different sub-categories and then, I don't even bother to do a traditional top ten.

I'm a dick. No wonder why I have no friends. :(

LOUIS'S FIVE FAVORITE DVD REISSUES/REPACKAGINGS/REDUXS/ETC. (In alphabetical order.)

ANYTHING RELEASED BY VIDEOASIA. ANYTHING AT ALL. (VideoAsia): I know that a lot of hardcore DVD nerds hate VideoAsia for a multitude of reasons, but most of all for their typically not-very-good prints. That honestly doesn't bother me. Having grown up in the era of fifth-generation, badly-dubbed VHS bootlegs recorded off of Paraguayan television, sans subtitles, I don't mind if the look of these movies aren't pristine. I don't care if the sound drops out or weird splices appear suddenly. I just don't care because the movies these guys are putting out are fun, cheap flicks at an even cheaper price. In the past few months I've enjoyed NINJA: LEGENDARY ASSASSINS 4 FILM COLLECTION, GORDON LIU FOUR FILM COLLECTION: HUNG KUEN VS. WING CHUN, INGLORIOUS BASTARDS 2: HELL'S HEROES 4 INGLORIOUS FILMS COLLECTION and two volumes of their stellar SPAGHETTI WESTERN BIBLE series.

BOLLYWOOD HORROR COLLECTION, VOL. 3: MAHAKAAL THE MONSTER (Mondo Macabro): Leave it to Bollywood to take a (mildly overrated yet beloved) American genre classic and, well, make it better. It's a total rip-off of A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, sure, but add in catchy, fun musical numbers (one about having a picnic!) and a 145 minute(!) running time and I'd much rather see Platinum Dunes remake this.

THE COMPLETE BILLY JACK COLLECTION (Image Entertainment): I'm pretty sure this has been released and re-released time and time again, but, you know, it's freaking BILLY JACK. This 2009 set from Image contains BORN LOSERS, BILLY JACK, THE TRIAL OF BILLY JACK and the little-seen BILLY JACK GOES TO WASHINGTON, which replaces Hapkido with filibustering! If only we had him to debate health care reform...

HARDBODIES COLLECTION (Anchor Bay) / SPRING BREAK (Anchor Bay)/ SCREWBALLS (Severin): I'm going to go ahead and lump all three of these hilariously ribald 80s teen sex-comedies into one whole pick. It's truly a case of united they stand, divided they fall. It was so good to finally see these on any type of format, bringing back those memories of staying up late as a little kid, catching HARDBODIES 2 at 1:15 in the morning, hoping to sneak the slightest glance of boob and bush. The comedy in all of these still hold up and, even better, just goes to show how much John Hughes ruined these movies by adding pathos and emotion. Pussy.

SLIME CITY GRINDHOUSE COLLECTION (Shock-O-Rama): One of the first screeners I ever received was the original release of Greg Lamberson's SLIME CITY. Oh, those wistful, good ol' days... A true, old-school, scummy DIY effort that, for my money, is better than STREET TRASH. Sorry. Not only did this DVD set have the original feature, but Lamberson's other films, NAKED FEAR, UNDYING LOVE and JOHNNY GRUESOME.

LOUIS'S SIX FAVORITE NEW STRAIGHT-TO-DVD (OR SKIPPED THEATERS IN MY LOCALE SO THEY ARE NEW TO ME) FLICKS (In alphabetical order.)

BLACK DEVIL DOLL (Lowest Common Denominator Entertainment): Since receiving this DVD screener, I have watched the hilariously daring and viciously offensive low-budget blaxploitation-horror-comedy BLACK DEVL DOLL about ten times. I can easily say, without reservation, this is my favorite straight-to-DVD indie film of the year. It's a new trash classic that will, I promise, become the ultimate party film and will not leave a dry seat in the house. Mixing the darkest political humor of today's heated racial climate with scads of low-down, dirty puppet fucking, director Jonathan Lewis has created a comedy masterpiece for those of us who still consider Rudy Ray Moore and Blowfly geniuses. See BLACK DEVIL DOLL by any means necessary! (Full review here. And here.)

DARK MIRROR (IFC Films): Honestly scary moments with one truly unpredictable twist after another. Director Pablo Proenza excels in the type of classic filmmaking Polanski did in the 60s—the kind you wish Polanski himself return to, if he wasn't busy diddling little girls, of course. (Full review here.)

THE LANDLORD (Massive Ego): The slacker comedy meets the demon real estate possession comedy to create one of the funniest comedies of the year. I actually did have a chance to catch this on the big-ish screen at HorrorHound Cincinnati last November and, a month or two later, it holds up even better. (Full review here.)

MIRAGEMAN (Magnolia Home Entertainment): I just caught this under the 2009 wire, and, man, this is how you do a superhero movie! Made in Chile on an ultra-low-budget, it's exciting and new and so pure in it's love of the superhero genre that it gives you hope for the future. I'll take this over any BATMAN movie anyday. Even a Christopher Nolan one. I am not lying.

MUTANT CHRONICLES (Magnolia Home Entertainment): At a horror convention last April, I picked up a bootleg copy of MUTANT CHRONICLES, a film that I had been excited about since I first read of it two years ago. It had languished so long that I was sure it was never going to be released stateside. Luckily, Magnolia Home Entertainment took the reins and finally released a special director's cut, and my opinion holds: it's one of the best movies of the year! Maj. Mitch Hunter (Thomas Jane) leads a crew of soldiers, in the year 2707, against a plague of evil, mutated humans mindlessly bent on killing everything in sight. The set, characters and vehicle designs, with their steam-punk look, make this rise above the typical sci-fi dreck of the day.

NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD: THE WILD, UNTOLD STORY OF OZPLOITATION (Magnolia Home Entertainment): This movie, about the history of 70s/80s Australian exploitation movies is the most important documentary ever made. EVER. Sorry, orphans in Darfur!

DAMAGED 2.0 Presents Louis's Top 10 Favorite Albums of 2009! (Even though you'll probably just ignore this, listening to the same crap you always do.)

I'm pretty much on the verge of quitting the act of buying new music altogether. I barely bought any new music this year (most of these here were promos I received), instead preferring to buy Steely Dan reissues and out-of-print Ringo Starr CDs. And don't even get me started on my current love affair with Jimmy Buffett!

Of course, occasionally, I was pleasantly surprised by some form of new music that came across my desk, but most of the time I just ended up trashing half of them, or giving them to pals who might enjoy them more, using them as tests to see if they are worthy, on a pop-cultural level, of my friendship. Most fail. I get so many albums from these crappy indie-rock wussies who are desperately trying to be the next little big thing. A Fine Frenzy, Fleet Foxes, Wilco, The Mountain Goats, Neko Case...it all sounds the same and appeals to only the most base of hipster morons who use SPIN magazine as a jerk-off rag.

I loathe most modern “rock” music these days, with my tastes over the past couple of years starting to swing to decidedly pro-America country (not AMERICANA, you public radio d-bags, but COUNTRY!), catchy Top 40 bubblegum pop from yesterday AND today, 90s-era Amy Grant and Carmen, classic ultra-fey synthpop and whatever Ennio Morricone records I can find. I don't want to hear Brooklyn-based NYU-educated scarf-clad art-rock collectives pluck dirges about the plight of black 1870s sharecroppers! I want to hear sing-a-long songs about quitting your job and living a laid-back life on the beach, drinking Carte Blancas and hitting on spicy senoritas who admire your lovable, broken-down catamaran! Is that so wrong? WHERE ARE MY CONTEMPORARIES???

So, after much debate, I was able to narrow them down. I was able to find a stack of what I liked and listened to quite a bit. Some surprised the Hell out of me, and those were the records I cherished the most this year. Some, I enjoyed the singles off of. Some, I bought out of loyalty...

LOUIS'S TOP TEN FAVORITE RECORDS OF 2009 (In alphabetical order according to artist.)

THE BOXMASTERS-MODBILLY (Vanguard): Lead-singer Billy Bob Thornton became a much-maligned joke after his bizarre standoffish behavior to some Canadian DJ when being interviewed with his band, the Boxmasters. They were quickly written off as just some pompous actor's vanity project but, boy, are “they” wrong. This is fun, ribald 60s country-meets-60s British Invasion pop that will surprise those willing to give it a chance, making you even forget that Billy Bob is in the band. Which is what I think he wants. Download: “Reasons for Livin'”, “That's Why Tammy Has My Car”

JIMMY BUFFETT-BUFFET HOTEL (Mailboat): Jimmy Buffett is like a laid-back AC/DC: he follows the same formula each album, but dammit if it ain't a formula that works! If you've ever enjoyed any Buffett album at all, you'll probably like this one. That's just how it works. Download: “Wings”, “Summerzcool”

KELLY CLARKSON-ALL I EVER WANTED (RCA): I'll always be in love with Kelly Clarkson. She seems so...nice. So...normal. Of course that may be the persona approved by her record label and she could very well be a horrible shrew in real life, but why destroy the dream? Too bad the image-obsessed media focused on her weight-gain (which, to me, only makes her hotter) instead of this amazingly fantastic album, an upbeat return to form after her previous, the depressingly insightful MY DECEMBER. Download: “I Do Not Hook Up”, “All I Ever Wanted”

EMPIRE OF THE SUN-WALKING ON A DREAM (Astralwerks): An Australian synth-pop duo that has a real 80s feel to 'em. While this was pretty under the radar, I'm pretty sure that if Astralwerks had released this in their heyday, around, oh, circa 2000, WALKING would have been a nice-sized cult hit. Download: “Walking On a Dream”

LYNYRD SKYNYRD-GOD & GUNS (Roadrunner): I make no bones about it: I love America. No, I take that back... I FUCKING LOVE AMERICA. And, apparently, so do Southern rock stalwarts Lynyrd Skynyrd. God, I don't even know the last “new” Skynyrd album I own...STREET SURVIVORS, probably. Who would have thought that, in 2009, they'd make one of the most relevant albums not only of their career, but of the year? It's so brazen in it's incendiaryness, it's almost like it was specifically crafted to piss off all those fraudulent alt-country, Obama-sucking, Prius-chugging, NPR-chortling sycophants. I mean, what ticks those people off more than, you know, God or guns? Actually, if I can do away with the alphabeticalness of this list and rate these records for a moment, GOD & GUNS is probably my favorite CD of the year. It goes great with my new NRA membership. Download: “That Ain't My America”, “Southern Ways”, “God & Guns”

SHAKIRA-SHE WOLF (Epic): I was late on this one, but it is a sultry, sleek, grinding, utterly sexual album, but not in that dirty, whorish, Christina Aguilera way, where she tries too hard to flaunt the “open for business” sign that resides permanently over her mons pubis. Shakira always holds herself up to an actual semblance of artistry and musicianship that her pop contemporaries are unable to do without a cadre of studio Svengalis, and even then still failing quite miserably. I'm still absorbing the album as a whole, but, man, is the title cut pure pop perfection! And it's even better in Spanish! Download: “Loba”

TINTED WINDOWS-TINTED WINDOWS (S-Curve): Smashing Pumpkin's James Iha, Hanson's Taylor Hanson, Cheap Trick's Bun E. Carlos and Adam Schlesinger of Fountains of Wayne come together, like an ultra-melodic Voltron, to form the most important hard-rockin' power-pop band since the Rubinoos. Maybe Redd Kross. Download: “Kind of a Girl”, “Doncha Wanna”

U2-NO LINE ON THE HORIZON (Interscope): It's U2. They'll always have the number one spot in my heart and, of course, I am totally impartial in my love for it and them. No matter what they do, I'll probably always love it. Always. Would it be a falsehood for me to say that they are the most important band in the world? Because I'm pretty sure they are and always will be. Who's with me??? Download: “Moment of Surrender”, “I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight”, “Stand Up Comedy”

HANK WILLIAMS JR.-127 ROSE AVENUE (Curb): Yeah, Hank's voice is shot and warbly, but it's got a real weathered strength to it that most musicians will ever know. I'd put this up there with that Skynyrd album, a real slice of America that both coasts wish would just fuck off and die. Pure classic country, through and through. Download: “Red, White & Pink-Slip Blues”, “Sounds Like Justice”, “Farm Song”

ZAC BROWN BAND-THE FOUNDATION (Atlantic): This came out in 2008, but, you know, it's my list, so I'll add it if I want. Fun, catchy Georgia-based country music that has not one, but two songs about living on the beach and, even better, not one, but two songs about eating chicken! And, holy cow, a Ray LaMontagne cover! I played this on my show and the calls of “Who is that???” were plentiful. This was my best discovery of 2009. Download: “Where the Boat Leaves From”, “Chicken Fried”

Honorable Mentions:

WEEZER-RADITUDE (Interscope): Even after all these years--over fifteen, when I bought the "Blue Album" in ninth grade--Weezer still delivers. Sure, it's kinda sad at time to see these aging guys play the same love-lorn teen-dream proto-emo tunes, but, hey, when you make it catchy like that, who am I to turn it down? Turn it up! Download: “(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To”

MIKA-THE BOY WHO KNEW TOO MUCH (Casablanca): Don't get me wrong: this is a great pop album. Problem is that, especially on the heels of his certified classic debut, LIFE IN CARTOON MOTION, the thrill is gone and what was once new and exciting is seriously in danger of becoming utterly routine. How do you solve a problem like that? Download: “Blame It On the Girls”

PET SHOP BOYS-YES (Astralwerks): A more subdued, sullen Pet Shop Boys than were used to. I listened to it a couple of times, but always found myself going back to VERY or DISCO. Pop some amyl nitrate and pep it up a bit, lads! Download: “Love, Etc.”

FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK: INGLORIOUS BASTERDS (Warner Bros.):

FAVORITE BOX-SET: ERASURE-TOTAL POP! DELUXE BOX 40 HITS (Rhino)

FAVORITE REISSUE: U2-THE UNFORGETTABLE FIRE: DELUXE EDITION (Interscope)

FAVORITE DISAPPOINTMENT: THE FLAMING LIPS-EMBRYONIC (Warner Bros.)

DAMAGED 2.0 Presents the Top 25 Best Horror Films of the Aughts! (Well... at least according to me. And who am I, right?)

In case you don't know, I write for the horror website Bloody Good Horror. And by write, I mean donate a weekly dose of off-color, often offensive news tidbits, as well as the occasional review. (The real reason why I associate with them? To get into Horrorhound Weekend on their coat-tails, but that's an explanation for another time.)

Like many other websites this time of the year--well, decade--we were asked to turn in our top 25 horror flicks of the decade and, true to form, everyone thought that mine was a joke. WELL IT WASN'T, ASSHOLES. Either way, they published each contributors top five (as well as their five worst) and resident statistician Schnaars put each contributor's 25 picks into his magic adding machine and came up with the definitive Best of the Aughts list. As you can see, only eight or nine of my choices made the list, so I take the term "definitive" to task...where be THE WICKER MAN remake, fellas?

So, by popular demand, here's my full list, what I consider to be the 25 best horror films of the 2000s. Eat 'em and smile!

1. SLITHER – Horror-comedy is probably the hardest sub-genre to get right: you gotta bring the laughs while still piling on the terror, making sure that one doesn't trump the other. It's a total thin-ass line, and it's one that James Gunn's SLITHER treads masterfully. It's a total shame this was a box office bomb...

2. THE MIST – Frank Darabont's adaptation of the Stephen King novella is great old-school monster-movie horror and Hitchcockian, tight-space suspense spray-painted with a brilliantly nihilistic mean-streak running through the whole thing. The black and white version on the DVD is a true revelation!

3. H2 – I absolutely loved Rob Zombie's remake of the original HALLOWEEN, going as far as to say that it is light years better than the original. But even that couldn't prepare me for the visceral thrust of his sequel, H2. Universally derided, I loved it for it's pure, anarchic punk spirit of absolutely shitting on all the pre-conceived notions of what the Michael Myers mythos should be. The greasy cries of fanboy derision was well worth the admission price alone.

4. JASON X – When you've exhausted all possible plot-lines, shoot your monster into space. I don't know whether it was intentional or not, but JASON X was not only a perfect and logical extension to the character, but was so awash in cartoony violence and gallows humor that I wish they had continued this story and pretty much plan on avoiding any Jason movie until he's back in space.

5. FRAILTY – Probably the most underrated, unappreciated horror movie of the aughts, a crazed Bill Paxton surprised the Hell out of me with this dark, Southern Gothic quasi-spiritual thriller that was wonderfully pro-God, especially in a time when He's constantly made to be the enemy. If you want to piss off horror-doofs, make God your hero! Praise be!

6. FEAST
7. THE DEVIL'S REJECTS
8. FINAL DESTINATION 2
9. POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD
10. THE HAPPENING
11. SNAKES ON A PLANE
12. GRINDHOUSE: PLANET TERROR
13. REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA
14. SHAUN OF THE DEAD
15. THE ORPHANAGE
16. MOTHER OF TEARS
17. CABIN FEVER
18. MAY
19. WILLARD
20. THE WICKER MAN
21. BOOK OF SHADOWS: BLAIR WITCH 2
22. SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET
23. BLACK DEVIL DOLL
24. DREAMCATCHER
25. UNDEAD

Agree? Disagree? Wanna post a few of yours? Go ahead and make an ass out of yourself in the comments!