DAMAGED Goods: THE KFC DOUBLE-DOWN SANDWICH!

Why do people, when they hear about a new food product that might be outside the norm — especially of the fast food variety — they always have to do that fake, fraudulent gasp of disgust?

“Ugh...you're not really gonna eat that, are you?” they say as they hypocritically puff on their cigarette, but it's okay because they're American Spirits, right?

The latest victim of this “do as I say, don't do as I do” culinary condescension is the KFC “Double-Down” sandwich, a comically grotesque evolutionary marvel that replaces bread with fried chicken while simultaneously taking Jamie Oliver out back and raping him in the tool-shed. Preferably with a drumstick.

Alright. The Double-Down. Not only has lame, boring bread been replaced with original recipe fried chicken, the actual chicken part that would normally go in the middle has been replaced with multiple slices of Goddamn cheese and bacon, slathered in what I think is a mayonnaise-like product of some sort. It could be congealed fat for all I know.

And, yes, it's a good as it sounds.



It's a heavy, greasy, utterly mouth-watering novelty sandwich, like a McDLT with balls. It's truffles stuffed with caviar for the working class of America, and probably the greatest fast food reinvention since, well, I guess the KFC Famous Bowl. You guys are doing some fantastic work in those top secret labs, keep it up.

Look: you'd have to be a complete imbecile not to know that such a sandwich is bad for you. That's the whole point of it's existence! No one in their right mind is going to take a look at the Double-Down and think it's a good, nutritional, wholesome meal choice. This sandwich is a joke, something to laugh at and try once! Maybe twice, but only if it's two in the morning and you're coming down off shrooms. It's edible performance art meant to get a rise out of this nation of overprotective pussies!

OK, bloggers and Twitterers, we get it! If you eat a Double-Down every day for the next couple of days, weeks, months, YOU WILL DIE OF A HEART ATTACK! Maybe. The science isn't all the way in yet. But most people aren't realistically going to do that and the ones that would, well, if it wasn't a Double-Down, it would be a new Cheesy Volcano Gordita Wrap or a sackful of Quarter-Pounder Big Macs. Nothing you can say or do is gonna change that. Let them live their lives and let nature take it's course!

Besides: why do you give a fuck anymore? We got free health-care now! Let's rob this bitch for all it's worth! Yeeeeeee-haw!

* shoots six-shooters into the air, starts wheezing, falls asleep *

Try the Double-Down once. It's worth it. Get it out of your system by getting it into your system. It's a once in a lifetime event that needs to be tried only once, preferably in your short lifetime. If you feel bad about it, walk to the KFC and back. You could use the exercise anyway.