Look out, white bitches! BLACK DEVIL DOLL is here!

After what seemed like an eternity, BLACK DEVIL DOLL has finally hit the shelves. As many followers of this blog may remember, I gave it a glowing review, going as far as to say that you need “see BLACK DEVIL DOLL by any means necessary.” I'm pretty sure I threw in an anti-white racial epithet for shock somewhere in there. Either way, you can read the whole review here.

I know that some of you thought that I was too enthusiastic, too loudly supportive of BDD. There's no way I could have said that BDD was “going to be my favorite film of the year”, right? First of all, you haven't seen the movie, I have, so you don't know what you're talking about. Secondly, you obviously don't know me. I am so BORED with horror right now. The movies that I really want to see, like, say, Lars Von Trier's ANTICHRIST, I don't know if they'll ever come here. I am told by my contemporaries that nonsense like ZOMBIELAND or PARANORMAL ACTIVITY or TRICK R TREAT are the Second Coming, but when I watch them, I am just BORED out of my little afro'ed-skull. I NEED something different. I NEED something harder. I feel like a guy who knows that weed just doesn't do it anymore so he tries smack. And I LOVE smack.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL is the best smack money can buy and I needs my medicine. *Grabs rubber tubing.*

Now that original review was based on a screener the producers sent me, burned onto a disc with the letters “BDD” scrawled on it in black Sharpie. All it had on it was the movie and my solemn vow not to copy it, show it or even let my friends know that I had it in my possession. Why? Because I know how most of you are and, sorry, but this time that consumer laziness just isn't going to work. It is your absolute DUTY as genre fans to purchase BLACK DEVIL DOLL. Do something for someone else for once in your selfish, miserable lives!

So, when you get BDD on DVD, not only do you get the movie, which is seriously enough, but the gang at Lowest Common Denominator have packed the DVD with so much special features...it's packed tighter than Heather Murphy's bra. If I can stop jerking off to the car wash sequence, maybe I'll actually make it to them someday!

Just kidding. Kind of.

Here's what you get: tons of behind the scenes material, animated promos, footage shot at the world premiere, still galleries, exclusive festival intros...you get the idea. The real selling point though are the commentaries, specifically the filmmakers and the Black Devil Doll ones. In the filmmakers' commentary, within the first five minutes we get a wonderfully self-congratulatory “What an abundance of delicious asses!”. You won't hear Spielberg say that. (Maybe that's why I am not a big Spielberg fan?)

On the other (puppet) hand, the Black Devil Doll commentary is almost as good as the actual movie. When I lived in Oklahoma City, some afternoons I would go to a corner dive bar in the badder part of town to get a single, one dollar drink and depress over the romantic issues of the day. Usually there would always be a 70-year-old drunk black dude who would interrupt his angry, loud diatribes against the Bush Administration with a sudden “Ooooh, look at dat pussy go by!” whenever a comely female would walk by the window. Now imagine that guy doing an audio commentary for 72 minutes. I don't know about you, but it made me wistful. I teared up a little.

I can't recommend BLACK DEVIL DOLL enough. Buy the DVD ASAP, right here. It's only $18.95 post-paid and every dollar goes to supporting and funding more subversive, race-baiting, misogynistic puppet-pud pulling escapades. In other words: if you don't buy this, you hate black people. (That's how you get people to do what you want in America now, right? Accuse them of being racist?)

But wait! There's more!

When I wrote that review of BDD, I didn't realize just how far down I would get sucked into the dark underworld of the Black Devil Doll. The producers liked my review, so much so that they hired me to write the introduction to the novelization of the movie. Yes, THE NOVELIZATION, much like those middle school Scholastic paperbacks you bought at the Book Fair. Written by acclaimed genre artist Stephen Romano, the book delves deeper into the characters and motivations with a subtle, Al Goldstein-like pornographic attention to detail. I mean that as a compliment. Ferociously funny...here, I'll turn to a random page and type the first sentence I see:

“Man, that's some powerful-ass DOOKIE!”

See, there you go. Don't you need a book like that on your shelf? Don't you want to place it among your dusty, leather-bound tomes? Just imagine: you're having a dinner party, all of your uppity white friends enjoying the wine and Brie, only to drop their monocle and caterwaul “Well, I never!” as they flip the book open to the sentence “...you can't live without this chocolate dick!”

Have I sold it? If so, order it here for $14.95, post-paid. Order now and, if you're going to Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati in November, I'll even sign it for you. Even if you're a white woman.

OK. So you're getting the book, but what are you going to listen to while you read? NPR? No. No you are not. How about picking up the soundtrack by Giallos Flame? Well, how about it?

It literally just appeared in my mailbox today and straight into my CD player, and, next Tuesday, into heavy rotation on DAMAGED Hearing. It's a great mixture of deep-bassed 70s funk and dark synth-drenched Goblin-esque tunes, as well as Charles David Moss's slow-jam “Waitin'” and the best booty-jam Luke never wrote, “Wet Pussy (The Car Wash)”, which, with lyrics like “Excuse me, bitch, won't you give me a chance/So much ass, like two hams in your pants!”, that, sadly, exclude it from radio airplay. Maybe I can make my own radio-friendly edit...

Like everything else, you can buy it here, at the low price of $12.95, shipping included. That's cheaper than the latest lo-fi whiny indie BS from Iron and Wine or Bright Eyes! Grow a pair!

Here we are, at the end of the road. BLACK DEVIL DOLL is here. Nothing to wait for anymore, no more anticipation. You'll watch the movie, your load will be shot. Depression will set in. The sun will set, night will last for what will seem like an eternity. You will have nothing to look forward to...until you start seeing the posters for BLACK DEVIL DOLL IN SPACE. Yes, IN SPACE.

But, until then, keep it BLACK, baby.

Have you picked up your copy of THE HUNGOVER GOURMET #11 yet???

Well...have you?

The long-awaited and, sadly, last issue, of the seminal journal of "food, drink, travel and fun" has finally hit the newsstands! Dan Taylor's THE HUNGOVER GOURMET, one of the few zines left standing after the great Indie Publishing Bust of the Early Aughts, is going out with a bang, featuring not only multiple essays about America's love affair with coffee, but there's also beer, Clamato, enemas, White Castle and, best of all, "Stupid Size Me!", the book-length epic wherein I take the "Big Lots Challenge" and find out if one man really can survive on nothing but Rap Snacks, Guava Nectar and Toddler Cuisine!

So what are the "critics" saying about THG #11, more specifically, ME?

"The longest article in the issue has nothing to do with coffee, and it's also the best. This may sound biased, but it's BOOKGASM contributor Louis Fowler's "Stupid Size Me," an eight-page journal of his experiment to eat on only $20 a week, exclusively consuming edibles and beverages purchased from his local Big Lots. Considering that Armour Honey Mustard Flavor Vienna Sausage and Del Monte Toddler Cuisine Animal Pasta are on the menu, you know it's not going to be pretty. In fact, it’s nauseating, which makes it laugh-out-loud funny." -Bookgasm

"...Louis Fowler's descent into money-saving madness. He eats nothing but food from Big Lots on a budget of $20 per week and keeps a diary about it as he goes. It is both horrifying and engrossing." -Microcosm Publishing

"For added variety the issue ends with Louis Fowler's alternately hilarious and horrifying piece "Stupid Size Me," in which he spends a week on a $20.00 budget eating nothing but food scavenged from Big Lots. With detailed descriptions of some of the taste sensations found, many of the combinations he forced himself to sit through just do not sound good: "Day One: Lunch: Jumex Strawberry Banana Nectar ($0.25); Armour Honey Mustard Flavor Vienna Sausage ($0.50)." I think I can actually taste that..." -Paniscus Revue

"But my favorite piece in the issue was Louis Fowler's article "Stupid Size Me" in which he attempts to make it through a whole week on only $20 worth of groceries because apparently some politician said people wouldn't need welfare if they only spent $20 a week on groceries. There's no attribution to this quote so to be honest I have no idea if any politician said anything of the sort. It sure sounds too stupid to be true, but politicians being what they are I wouldn't put it past them. And the article is entertaining enough that it doesn't matter. Not only is it funny, it also makes a serious point about why so many poor people are so obese." -Xerography Debt

Celebrate the last issue of THE HUNGOVER GOURMET and, let's be honest, me, by purchasing this legendary title for the low, low price of $3, post-paid here. Do it now and tell 'em Louis sent you!

ZOMBIELAND: This land ain't my land.

ZOMBIELAND
Starring Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone
Directed by Ruben Fleischer
Columbia Pictures
Review by Louis Fowler

ZOMBIELAND is a lot like the Twinkies that Woody Harrelson is so desperately searching for in the movie: you think that you want it, but as you chokingly try to swallow its dry 'n' sweet sponginess down, you realize that it is empty and hollow, in no way a proper, filling meal. It's barely a passable snack. You know you should have made another choice. You know you should have had something more substantial. At least a salad.

What you get instead is one extended, unfunny joke about zombie-killing, none of which are particularly clever, but I guess if you film it in slow-motion while throwing in a fat joke or two, rabid fanboys and the mainstream alike think that they are witnessing something new and groundbreaking. Turn around and take a look at the glazed-over eyes and drooling mouths of the moviegoers behind you! They get all excited and worked up and visibly aroused because ZOMBIELAND kicks off with a stylishly cool credits sequence set to the tune of Metallica's “For Whom the Bell Tolls” — and I'll admit that, yes, it is very cool — so much so that they'll forgive everything that comes afterwards. Just like WATCHMEN. Style wins out over substance once again!

The irritatingly emo and slightly vampiric Jesse Eisenberg (who desperately wants to be Michael Cera) is Columbus, a skittish loner-nerd on his way to, well, Columbus, Ohio. He has a set of gratingly quirky rules designed to keep him alive and annoying. Along the way he meets Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) who is supposedly this inventive, bad-ass zombie-killer, but, then again, as the script was obviously written by people who have never seen a zombie movie before, I'm sure to them they are. They fight and road trip and make like a clichéd Odd Couple, eventually coming across the horrifically shrewish twosome of the gargoylish Emma Stone and the cunty Abigail Breslin, a pair of sisters who screw over Jess and Wood to much pseudo-comedic effect.

Due to their close quarter circumstances, of course the foursome learn to live with and, yes, grow to love, one another. How do they do this? By bonding over the destruction of a roadside Native American souvenir shop. How awesome was it to see these four last WHITE remaining zombie survivors to laugh and gleefully smash and trash Native American artwork, drums, pottery...and to hear the other WHITES in the audience cheer them on. Between that and the running fat jokes, it seems to me that the real horror of ZOMBIELAND isn't the living dead, but the indoctrination of the audience into subliminal pro-eugenic rhetoric. I wonder if the crowd or the critics would have been as erect if the gang torched a Mosque or hung a gay zombie from a barbed-wire fence? Have fun at HorrorKlanKon 2009, zombie-fans!

The one saving grace of the movie is the extended cameo by Bill Murray, but even then it should probably be best viewed in an edited YouTube clip, where I'm sure it will hit eventually.

ZOMBIELAND is not a great zombie movie, or even a good zombie movie. It's thoroughly mediocre but most of you will never even notice it, what with all the lights and bright and shiny things being waved in your face like a placated baby with a set of house-keys. Don't believe me? Eat a box of Twinkies for dinner and tell me you're satisfied when your puking your guts out and wishing there was that nice salad within reach.