Mi ćemo Staviti Boot u Vašem Magarca!: Meet my Croatian patriot-pal Marko, Part 4 -- A BOOT IN YOUR ASS Special Report!

As many readers of DAMAGED know, my photo-series “We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass”, which depicts, through found photos depict why America is the greatest country on the planet, has become one of the most popular features here. And from not just proud Americans!

A few months ago I introduced you to Marko, a blogger from Croatia whose blog Fulah Folder regularly re-posts pics from the series for his countrymen to see. As a token of appreciation, I sent him a BOOT IN YOUR ASS FREEDOM PACK – here's the original post.



A lot of DAMAGED readers have wanted to know if he ever got the prize pack and, well, just exactly who he is. So I emailed him a few questions about how awesome America is and he was nice enough to respond. Out of respect to our cultural differences, I have reprinted his answers word for word, with no editing. Here's part four, the final part of the interview...

Does Croatia have country music, and, if so, is it patriotic?

If can know and do something we know how to invent, how to fight, how to survive and how to sing. Singing is the only thing every croat loves in art.

i do not ant to talk any more, get ready an listen some of our most heavenly fucking smash turbo mega hits!

1. Thompson - Lijepa li si (his name is after a machinegun) it means -
Youre beautiful! YOu have american subtitle!


2. Miroslav Shkoro - SVetinja (it means holy thing)


3. VATROGASCI - EUNIO (they are Firemen - this song about European unions. it says on refrain - I fuck you and all your yellows stars!)


other peoples croats in bigger caves like other music like this:

1. Neki to vole vruce - Kalifornija (bands is called SOme like it hot,
and the name of the songs is California. his wife before wife dreamed of
california, coca cola and stuff)



let the party begins! ouh hipipipiyeahs!

If you were to come to America, what would be the first fast food restaurant you'd eat at?

american pancakes are shit, hamburger tastes like elephants shits, coffee is filtering... chickenwings are more of a pelican wings what a mutants they are! when we becomes united state with united states we will teach you how to make foods and eat like a man, not to become like a pigs.

Your blog reposts many of my "Boot in Your Ass" pictures. From a foreign point of view, what do you think of American culture from those pictures?

I think its nice places, and I hope my childrens will live with you as parts of uniteds states. May Hallabooka and ZengeGardagooga bless you and may Hallabooka and ZengeGardagooga bless america!

THANKS MARKO, AND KEEP SPREADING THE RED, WHITE AND LOU!!!

PART ONE!
PART TWO!
PART THREE!

AMERICAN TEEN: American Teen, stay away from me-ee!

AMERICAN TEEN
Documentary
Directed by Nanette Burstein
Paramount Vantage
Review by Louis Fowler

A lot of critics are putting this documentary at the top of their “best of 2008” list, and boy, is this a total case of following the popular crowd. If anything, it's the most self-indulgent, whiny, irritating film of the year, if not the decade.

AMERICAN TEEN follows the pseudo-deep lives and, ugh, emotions, of a bunch of grating, self-involved teens attending a small-town high school. From the popular bro-jock and queen bee, to the cry-baby band geek and depressive art-girl, the whole thing feels like a staged, MTV-wannabe show pilot that probably could have found an audience that would put THE HILLS to shame.

Are these what today's teenagers are really like? During this whole movie, you pray to God that the Trenchcoat Mafia would burst through the doors, putting these vapid idiots out of their misery. And while every single character is the worst example of humanity possible, you'd think the biggest culprit would be the jocks who cry when they don't make the shot or the upper-class rich-bitch who gets a slap on the wrist for spray-painting “fag” on a rival's window—an incredibly reprehensible act, by the way—but it's the art-chick Hannah.

Oh God, Hannah.

Why do we as a society feel the need to explore every avenue of a teenager's emotions? Why do we need to get deep into the psyche of the teenager, especially when there's absolutely nothing there? Hannah exemplifies everything that we should hate about teens. With her constant drama and psuedo-forced outcast status, you want to just send to a sanitarium and watch Nurse Ratchet beat her with a rubber-hose. She so desperately wants to be cast as the typical feminist-free spirit who's yearning to escape her “oppressive” small-town life, but she is just another lost girl who gets drunk to dull the imaginary pain, which I'm sure is full of Tori Amos-lite daddy issues.

You get the feeling that she could have been the one character that could have been the saving grace of the film, but, much like the aforementioned HILLS, the “director” just wanted another fraudulent pretty face on the screen. And talk about MTV conformity: when Hannah starts dating the jock, it just goes to reinforce the well-held notion that most women, no matter how “alternative” or different they proclaim themselves to be, are all really just the same: give them the square-jawed jock anytime and they'll drop their belief immediately. Now that's the high school story that should have been made!

Yeah, that's it. Instead of all these photogenic teens and their shallow lives, why not cast a real outcast? How about an overweight girl with pimples? How about a kid in special ed? How about the wannabe jock that sits on the bench? How about the band kid that is really socially retarded?

Nope, sorry. Director Nanette Burstein would rather opt for the easy answers, because maybe she's as vapid as the characters she's putting on screen. No...there's no maybe about it.

If anything, AMERICAN TEEN is worth a viewing to make yourself feel better that you're so far removed from this life, so far removed from this teenage idiocy. Consider yourself lucky.

But, for a much better teen-related doc, check out the incredibly honest and moving BILLY THE KID, about a real hard-luck teen with Asperger's who tries to deal with high school pressure. Sure, it's not as flashy or “pretty” as AMERICAN TEEN, so most of you other critics will duly ignore, but it, for everyone else, it's the real best doc of 2008.

DAMAGED Reading: PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE NOTES: PAINFULLY POLITE AND HILARIOUSLY HOSTLE WRITINGS!!!

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE NOTES: PAINFULLY POLITE AND HILARIOUSLY HOSTLE WRITINGS
By Kerry Miller
Collins
Review by Louis Fowler

It doesn't matter if you're the CEO of the biggest multi-billion dollar corporation or the lowliest stock-boy at a ghetto Big Lots—chances are that sometime in your working life, someone is going to steal your lunch out of the communal refrigerator.

Doesn't that just piss you off? You bring some leftover Kung Pao chicken from last night's take-out and you've been thinking about it all morning—it's the only thing that's keeping you going, really—and you go to the fridge and it's gone, and, as if to rub that salt in the wound, they left the empty container to taunt you. And you ask me how I could just kill a man.

Thanks to our Christian society, murder just isn't an option. So, having no other recourse, you leave a threatening note taped to the icebox door, saying “Thanks guys for stealing my lunch! I hope you’re happy that I starved today! Steal my lunch again and DIE!!!”

And what about your roommates? Sure, when you guys first get together, you honestly believe that you all are going to be best friends forever. You cook together, watch TV together and stay up late, talking about your hopes and dreams. But then one of you has to go off and get a significant other and all that time together fades away, causing the lonely roommate to become a bitter shrew who finds malice in every move you make. Pretty soon you're getting Post-Its taped to your door, the majority of them reading “I don't know if you know this because you're never home anyway, but you haven't done the dishes in two weeks. It's your turn—please do them or DIE!!!”

Besides jazz, the only other really original American art-form has got to be the passive aggressive note. It's become such an everyday occurrence to see one, that we, as a society, have gotten use to them. The humor is gone. Instead, we just bitch about it to our work-mates or maybe write an even more passive aggressive note underneath it when no one is looking. We have been beaten down by these notes. We have been emptily threatened with death too many times to take it seriously.

Consider Kerry Miler's PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE NOTES: PAINFULLY POLITE AND HILARIOUSLY HOSTLE WRITINGS a real “stop and smell the roses” read. Based on her successful blog, Miller, like an alternate-universe POST SECRET, collects the passive aggressive notes that have been sent to her and, reading them in a setting like this, totally refreshes the comedy of these types of notes, recapturing the beauty of them. You'll see the break-room in a whole different way. Instead of ignoring those notes on the fridge, you're going to want to read them like a great novel, lingering on every (misspelled) word, enjoying every life-endangering threat and comparing who's written the best one. You might even steal someone's yogurt just to get one.

Buy here at Amazon for only $11!!!

Mi ćemo Staviti Boot u Vašem Magarca!: Meet my Croatian patriot-pal Marko, Part 3 -- A BOOT IN YOUR ASS Special Report!

As many readers of DAMAGED know, my photo-series “We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass”, which depicts, through found photos depict why America is the greatest country on the planet, has become one of the most popular features here. And from not just proud Americans!

A few months ago I introduced you to Marko, a blogger from Croatia whose blog Fulah Folder regularly re-posts pics from the series for his countrymen to see. As a token of appreciation, I sent him a BOOT IN YOUR ASS FREEDOM PACK – here's the original post.



A lot of DAMAGED readers have wanted to know if he ever got the prize pack and, well, just exactly who he is. So I emailed him a few questions about how awesome America is and he was nice enough to respond. Out of respect to our cultural differences, I have reprinted his answers word for word, with no editing. Here's part three of the interview...

What are the most popular American movies and singers in Croatia?

Oh there so lot of many of them - The one where the guy takes tree on his arm and his daughter is kidnapped and he has to jump off the plane and kill the bad guys and he kills them all and he smashed Bennet the bad guy with a huge pipe, yeah hell yeah, thats a movie!

Then there that one when the guy is a soldier and comes from war and the sherrif wants him out of town and policemen torture him and he escapes in wood just with his knife and they did forst blood not him. And he hits helicopter down with just a stone, he has fishing stick in his knife, he has compass.. such a good film.

We all like very lot of much the one when theres those bikers and thay kill people, and she sees them and the cop with the match in his mouth and black raybans saves her and he kills the bad guys and the most baddest bad guy he stuck on giant hook and let him burn. thats classic...

oh yeah! and that one based on true events... wehn that hunter guy comes from space, and gets in the jungle and there are a lot of american soldiers (earning their money for scholarshipping!) and that hunter from spaces kill them one at the time by one but they can't see him and his blood is green and then the last soldier gets in mud and alien cant see him and soldier tells him you ugly mother fucker and alien nukes him up. kabooom... an dyeah there is this indian emo guy soldier is who likes to cuthimselfs... yeah... Wow!

Uhhh I like that one about the ninja in america.... what was it call his name...? fuck! i cant remeber. anyways there is this ninja guy in america, and he is a soldier he likes the daughter of wealthy man, then theres this bad guy that smuggles with teh army, he has his own amry of evil ninjas so the good ninja ina merica kilsl them all and his friend bazooks down the helicopter with the bad guys!

Ouh yeah! I almost forgots - the one about that nice naked girl debbie who gets fucked as hell with all that sport team from dallas. yeah yeah yeah! children in kindergarten watch this all the time here in our caves in croatia.

And .... aaah... music? We the Croats LOOOOVE singing and dancing! My neighbours son in the cave next hole has a poster of traci lords, so she must be very popular americans singer here. michael bolton, much adored. tribe leader of our all caves communityies is much looking like him! Mariah Karey is great for scaring mountain predators, our grandparents love that 50 guy, jay-zee,... and kids are now in that... you know... emo period... so... youknow.

anyways ill go steal on that site some musics and give you linkses;:

We like to sing this one when we get drunks and hug each others! great americans songs!



when we go fight for our right to fight we could choose only one good
american fighting song:


Continued tomorrow...

PART ONE!
PART TWO!

Mi ćemo Staviti Boot u Vašem Magarca!: Meet my Croatian patriot-pal Marko, Part 2 -- A BOOT IN YOUR ASS Special Report!

As many readers of DAMAGED know, my photo-series “We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass”, which depicts, through found photos depict why America is the greatest country on the planet, has become one of the most popular features here. And from not just proud Americans!

A few months ago I introduced you to Marko, a blogger from Croatia whose blog Fulah Folder regularly re-posts pics from the series for his countrymen to see. As a token of appreciation, I sent him a BOOT IN YOUR ASS FREEDOM PACK – here's the original post.



A lot of DAMAGED readers have wanted to know if he ever got the prize pack and, well, just exactly who he is. So I emailed him a few questions about how awesome America is and he was nice enough to respond. Out of respect to our cultural differences, I have reprinted his answers word for word, with no editing. Here's part two of the interview...

How do Croatians view America, especially in light of the past few years?

its nice america is. if you want to go to college you can, you just have to go to where is oil, druags and interest in money likes iran, afghanistan and kill for stwos years. you go and kill, you get money and finish college. whats two years comparing to phd and lifetime of opportunitisms?

you can also put wheels on board and earn hundreds of moneys just buy ridings it. if you want to be governer you go to gym and pump iron. and you have to speak like the guy from terminator. iaem frieaend of searea Konorr...couoold Iey seehah pleaeeze! hahaha.... yeah...

... sorry, its getting cold here in our cave and my candle is getting done so i donot see my goose feather well. ill go fetch some wood, rape some tribeswomen and get more fire... hopefuly noone from elders wont rape me. i dont write good after it...

... ooooouuukiieedooukiee... lights is back on, rape done, i did, not me. wehre were we...., ah yes, america? fuck yeah!

we the croats admire america. we want to be one more state of it. We will have a tribal referendum for becuming a new state of united states of america. we want to be one white star in your flag. we will get fat and lower ours intelligence first thing after referendum. If great united britain kingdom can be a state of united states, so can we! We have our human rights to be!

What female celebrity do you feel personifies what many Croatian guys think is the "ultimate woman"?

there is no ideals ultimates womans! but this are not that far:





(Editor's note: Marko sent five links, but these three need age verification. I'm guessing NSFW.)

Video 3, Video 4, Video 5

Continued tomorrow...

PART ONE!

Mi ćemo Staviti Boot u Vašem Magarca!: Meet my Croatian patriot-pal Marko, Part 1 -- A BOOT IN YOUR ASS Special Report!

As many readers of DAMAGED know, my photo-series “We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass”, which depicts, through found photos depict why America is the greatest country on the planet, has become one of the most popular features here. And from not just proud Americans!

A few months ago I introduced you to Marko, a blogger from Croatia whose blog Fulah Folder regularly re-posts pics from the series for his countrymen to see. As a token of appreciation, I sent him a BOOT IN YOUR ASS FREEDOM PACK – here's the original post.



A lot of DAMAGED readers have wanted to know if he ever got the prize pack and, well, just exactly who he is. So I emailed him a few questions about how awesome America is and he was nice enough to respond. Out of respect to our cultural differences, I have reprinted his answers word for word, with no editing. Here's part one of the interview...

In many American films, Croatia is portrayed as a desolate, war-torn wasteland where life is cheap. Is this how it really is?

Of course it is true that my very nice place my homeland is. we the croats are proud of us and our countrie. we're so proud that we dont have concrete land, our land is just large amount of hard proud. its so huge we could build caves in how hard our proud is. thats the reason why we call it Motherproud. and we live in tribal cave communions.

We the croats have great sea so there is plenty of water, wheres water theres ships wheres ships theres tourists with a lotof money. we sell water, sunrays and they pay. that girl from that porno movie one night in paris, most boring of all celebporn ever almost cum here. tara reid cums more than once. maverick from top gun was here. the guy from american beauty, the old dad guy who like that other young girl. yeah he was here. ... and yes... this guy... what was his name? standup illiterate comedian! uhmaerikaen, noookeelah ooouuaaeepounz? oh come on.... my brain hurts.... how could i forget his name.... Belush... Blush,,, BUSH! Yeah, the cowboy guy. yeah he was here, too. hell yea, what a character. Great standup routines. just great!

And yeah, we croats is inventors. good ones. if wee need something we invent it something! We wanted to float on the sky so we invented parachute. We wanted to write something down we invent modern pen! Everybody on the planet world knows how to kill people. But we the croats know how to look good and kill people. that's why our soldiers from history wore neck ties when they killed bad conquerors, if you gonna slash another one with your sword, I gotta show some respect' you know whaf I'm saaayin? thats why your manhattan stocking exchange soon to be gordon gekkos where them too. different times, different types of kill but hey, look good when you destroy! we invented a lot of other stuff too but it would take a lot of time to think of everything.

Life is very cheap for we the croats. YOu cant even sell your own life beacuse of how cheap life really is. As we the croats, and the rest of our planet world knowing – when history be portrayed in American filmovies they is so precise, factual and investigative there's nothing to be suspicious for - car kaboooms when hit by a bullet, aliens and advanced races in spaces talk american english, terrorist hijack and fly planes and demolish buildings, smoking is good for the women's rights and the agendas of gender, and so on. Of course we the croats won't mention farting in front of people is such a laugh and we are havin a laugh. Is you havin a laugh? The hole truth and no thing as is the truth!


Continued tomorrow...

THE INSATIABLE IRONBABE: Avenginas...assemble!

THE INSATIABLE IRONBABE
Starring Darian Caine, Jackie Stevens, Kerri Taylor
Directed by John Bacchus
Seduction Cinema
Review by Louis Fowler

You know what IRON MAN was missing?

Well, to be honest, not much, but if you answered “full-blown simulated lesbian interludes”, then I guess you win, because IRON MAN was missing that in spades. It didn't didn't have any. Zero. You couldn't masturbate to it if you tried.

Thankfully, Seduction Cinema's THE INSATIABLE IRONBABE rectifies this, casting comely Jackie Stevens (Seduction's best discovery since Julian Wells) as billionaire sex-toy industrialist, um, Horny Fark, who, true to her name, loves to get it on with a wide variety of sexy ladies. Try to top that Robert Downey, Jr.!

Wait, no, please don't...

On a trip to the International Adult Toy Fair, where Horny demonstrates the latest in Fark Technologies hardware, such as the Vibranium 9000 (a vibrator that slices through steel), the Fark Diaphragm (which is bullet-proof) and, my favorite, the self-explanatory Solar-Powered Anal Love Beads, she's kidnapped by terrorists and forced to build a nuclear-powered sex doll. She awakes with a giant electro-magnet in her vagina, of course, and 24 hours to build the doll. Instead, she decides to build a suit to escape...but only after having some hot lesbian sex with her cell-mate. First things first, I suppose.

Using materials in the terrorist's warehouse, she builds her prototype suit, made out of cardboard boxes—budget-conscience and funny—and smashes her way through to freedom. Escaping, she vows to “boink” everyone she meets and heads back to America; in the spirit of her new goodwill, she also decides to no longer make sex toys for the solo user, instead only making toys for couples-only use.

A noble cause, indeed, but not one her vice-president, Obgyn Stain (tee hee), after driving the company to bankruptcy with items like the “cactus dildo” and edible panties that taste like broccoli, is in agreement with. In fact, she's been in bed—literally—with the terrorists all along, driving Horny to make a new suit of armor that doubles as a sex toy and is propelled through the air by a helium-filled blow-up doll. Sexy hilarity ensues, for the most part.

When you fast-forward through the sex scenes, you're really only left with maybe thirty minutes of actual movie (and this one has about an hour-twenty running time). It's real important that the jokes in those thirty minutes work and here and, wow, they really do—I'm looking at you Jersey City Community College, five foot Ben-Wa ball and “My face seats two!” I laughed out loud quite a few times.

If you look at it that way, THE INSATIABLE IRONBABE works on two levels: as tepid masturbation material (and that's kinda sad) and as one long, mostly funny dirty joke. I'll take the dirty joke every time. But, for you comic book fans with a burning need to see your favorite heroes gender-switched and switch-hitting, then grease up your pistons and enjoy.

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.24.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!



Special thanks to Mike Pacitto, director of AMERICAN PUNKS and screenwriter for the just released ALICE IN WASTELAND for this submission!!! Have you got a "We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass" submission? Send 'em over to orcho5000@hotmail.com!!! Do it for liberty!

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.22.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

STARBUCKLING: Volunteering for a cup of coffee, as long as I don't gotta clean shit.

STARBUCKLING
Volunteering for a cup of coffee, as long as I don't gotta clean shit.
By Louis Fowler

Last weekend, Facebook plastered the side of my account with an ad for Starbucks' “Pledge 5” program, which, in case you haven't heard, is the coffee giant's attempt to appear socially conscious, but in cynical reality is just a desperate money-making piggy-back on Obama's proposed “USA Service” volunteer program. The only difference is that when you do it through Starbucks, you get a cup of coffee for your five hours. I guess that a personal feeling of accomplishment just doesn't do it anymore. (But, to be fair, their coffee is pretty good.)

Here's the whole pitch: “From January 21, 2009 through January 25, 2009, when you pledge 5 hours of volunteer time, Starbucks will salute you with a free Tall brewed cup of coffee in participating U.S. Starbucks stores. Not valid at airports or Barnes & Noble locations.”

Now whether or not you agree with Obama or Starbucks or coffee or free shit or even volunteering for your community in general—I personally hate my community and will not be helping it out anytime in the near future, free coffee or not—we all to admit that, in this day and age, incentives are the only way to get today's youth off their collective asses. They need something to give them a reason to do anything. But a free cup of coffee? While over 59,000 Facebookers have said they'll participate, over 222,000 have given Starbucks' idea the heave-ho. Maybe the good people at XBOX should get in on this game...

The problem is that, instead of just RSVPing, most people feel the need to leave a comment. And while a few are thoughtful tirades against charity for profit or passionate pleas for unity, most are written by Insane Clown Posse fans. And really, that's awesome, because it's a treasure trove of unintentional comedy.

Here's ten of the funniest, and, yes, scariest reasons why people are turning Starbucks' offer down, and, really, they're all pretty much the uneducated reasons why Obama won in the first place. They have not been edited for clarity, at all and can be found at the Facebook “Pledge 5” page.

Bill from Montgomery: this is gay obama crap

John from Ohio: i deserve a bigger coffee than a small for 5 hours of community service

Garrett from Morgan County: Starbucks wants to wipe the palestinians off the face of the earth too? FUCK YEAH, COUNT ME IN!

Maxim from Providence High: FUCK STARFUCKS USA CAPITALIST BIG BROTHER UPTIGHT CAFEINE FREAK MIND CONTROL EVIL SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff from Orange Count: 5 hours of time for $1.60 coffee????.... Way to hang your balls out there Starbucks.

Jennifer from Washington, DC: i hate coffee, sorry.

Jena Lisa: do you realize that youre not going to get a venti frappuchino or anything fancy its going to be the tall coffee that sells there for a dollar and no way is it going to be freshly brewed. ha! starbucks is so cheap

Kaptain Krunch from Los Angeles: as long as it doesnt involve cleaning shit

Stephanie: This week is no bueno - in the process of moving; started on the 19th, and finish on the 25th. UGH!

Bill: It's court ordered anyway, I may as well get coffee

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.21.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.20.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

Louis and....: WHITECATPINK!

DAMAGED Reading: HE IS...I SAY: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE NEIL DIAMOND

HE IS...I SAY: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE NEIL DIAMOND
By David Wild
DaCapo Press
Review by Louis Fowler

I used to be a big fan of Chuck Klosterman. In FARGO ROCK CITY and most of SEX, DRUGS, AND COCOA PUFFS, he had a real fun, yet self-deprecating style that perfectly conveyed his love of metal and hard rock. They were really great reads.

Then something happened. He lost it. He lost that geeky Midwestern rock swagger that made him relatable and became your typical indie-rock asshole whose self-deprecation became self-loathing and, especially in the execrable KILLING YOURSELF TO LIVE, it was obvious that anything special that Klosterman had was now long-dead. Trying to appease all those SPIN magazine hipster fucks’ll do that to you.

Since this realization, it’s left a big hole in my regular reading. I like reading the thoughts, analyses and memoirs of music critics, but far too many of them have fallen prey to this Kloster-phobia. Too many of them now want to be “cool,” spending pages praising hacky “Brooklyn-based indie art-rock collective” types just for that ROLLING STONE paycheck. Maybe the rock critic, with his scenester need for chunky sunglasses, summer scarves, tight corduroy pants and the faux-approval of his too-cool-for-school peers, is as dead as Klosterman is. Maybe there’s no one left to champion their love, unironically, of popular music.

And then came David Wild.

I have always been aware of Wild, but it was a periphery thing. I never seeked out his work. But after reading HE IS … I SAY: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE NEIL DIAMOND, I think Wild may be that lone, chubby, music geek beacon of light in what is a dark, dark night for us. Sure, many hipsters — the same assholes who oh-so-loved Johnny Cash a few years back — are quick to praise Neil Diamond, but it’s fleeting. It’s the hip thing to do and say. It’s an ironic love that revels in the kitsch of the man, with his well-manufactured coif and sequined shirts, and totally ignores his body of work. It sings along to “Sweet Caroline” at a ball game or karaoke, but spits on “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers,” his duet with Barbra Streisand. Because that’s not cool, right, guys?

In a little more than 200 pages, Wild instead writes an autobiographical/biographical treatise on how his intense Diamond fandom isn’t just some passing fad, but rather a lifelong love affair that has not only guided him throughout his career, but his life, from listening to Neil with his mom in the ’70s to dealing with the constant hurled insults for being a fan during Neil’s easy-listening 80s, coming to terms with the multiple musical changes the ’90s put Neil through to his triumphant comebacks in the ’00s. Through it all, Wild has stood by Diamond, like a real friend — not some fair-weather douchebag.

It’s this unabashed love that makes HE IS … I SAY required reading for those of us who don’t believe in the term “guilty pleasure.” It’s the ultimate manifesto for those of us who embrace and, more importantly, understand the words and emotions of this guy who is spilling his guts all over 12 inches of vinyl. HE IS .. .I SAY is a big “fuck you” to those hipsters who’ll never get it. But, by the time they realize this, they’ll be on to their next cult obsession, maybe Engelbert Humperdinck. Just give it a few days and a PASTE magazine cover.

“I just do not fit in … I’m sorry. I apologize to everybody. But I never tried to fit in, because that meant conforming what I could write or what I could do to a certain set of rules,” Diamond said. “Hip is something frivolous people had time to be.”

Buy here at Amazon for only $16!!!

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.14.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.13.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.12.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

MAKE MINE MARVEL PAID BILLS!: Marvel raises prices, loses readers. Like this guy, right here.

MAKE MINE MARVEL PAID BILLS!
How Marvel will more than likely end comic fandom as we know it.
By Louis Fowler

In case you haven't heard the news, Marvel is planning to raise the price of their single issue titles from an already hefty $2.99 to a wallet-breaking $3.99. That's $3.99, a month, for typically 22 pages of story, very rarely delivering a story that's really worth that much.

OK, so let's break it down: usually, every week I get about five-to-eight single titles, roughly paying about $25-30 dollars, if I'm lucky. Now, with times tighter than Namor's swim-trunks, I haven't bought comics in about three months. When things got better financially, for both me and the country, I was honestly pretty excited to get back to it. I really do miss reading the adventures of my four-color friends, as lame as that sounds. But, with a cover price raise of even a little ol’ dollar, I'm looking at spending about $40-50 a week, at least over $160 a month on comics. Not to sound like a grumpy old man, but that's an electricity bill, some groceries, some gas and maybe my NetFlix. If I’m lucky.

Sorry Marvel, but as far as my finances go, it's clobberin' time and you're the first to get the rock-encrusted fist.

So, with this price raise, I will officially stop buying single titles. Like I said, I haven't bought comics in three months, but even before that, I had to totally stop buying indie titles—they are usually the most expensive books as it is—and as much as I do like to support independent authors and artists, the cover price is just too much to experiment. I made the tough decision to stick with the big two, Marvel and DC, reading the heroes that I've always been most comfortable with, with a cover price that I was (sort of, but not really) comfortable with.

But, now, I'm just giving up everything altogether. I'm sure this is going to be the way for a lot of regular Friends of Ol’ Marvel, especially with the upcoming total economic depression (and believe me, it is coming). It's going to be a time of growing up for many comic book readers. For too long, we've been in a state of arrested development, continuing our childhood through our fandoms (and let's not forget the action figures, conventions, etc.). We haven’t really had anything to make us put away “childish things”. But, now I guess it's really time for us all to grow the fuck up. It sucks, I know, but when it comes between eating a carrot and buying that $100 copy of ABSOLUTE CAPTAIN CARROT, hopefully your survival instincts will kick in. Hopefully.

Now don't feel bad—it's not your fault. Marvel, has effectually, shot themselves in the foot. Like the mega-million budgets for many of today's Hollywood films, Marvel has pumped so much money into hiring the big “stars” for their books, with very few actually delivering and living up to their name. In my opinion, many of the best comics I've stayed with over the past few years have been the low-key, under-the-radar titles with lesser-known writers and artists. It seems that more freedom equals more entertainment.

Those big names always seem to come in with big ideas that have gotten way too out of hand in the past few years. Look at the recent “Civil War” or “Secret Invasion” storyline; they crossed-over into just about every Marvel titles, not only interrupting already established storylines, but, if you weren't buying all twenty-eight crossover titles that month, completely lost. So very lost. Can we effectively agree that it's about time to put a moratorium on “events”?

Like I said earlier about grown men buying comics, arrested development and all that, no matter what anyone says, kids don't read comics. At all. Why would a child spend $3.99 on a single issue—wherein you can guarantee they'll have no idea what's going on—when for a few bucks more they can get a toy of some sort (which usually comes with added features, like a trading card or comic book itself), or, if they're really good, a video game that they can actually interact with? What can they do with a comic book? Read?

Sure, when you and I were little'uns, we read those funny books voraciously and they were an easily-dropped fifty, maybe sixty-five cents. No big whoop. But kids today don't get Spider-Man from SPIDER-MAN comics—they get them from Spider-Man cartoons, movies and toys. Superheroes are such an established, regular part of the modern American mythology that I'd be surprised that this next generation even knows they originated in comic books.

It's adults who read SPIDER-MAN and it's adults who have money and it's adults, so beaten down with everyday life, such as inflation, paying bills and whatnot, who will pay $2.99 for Spider-Man. They don’t know better than to not to. And Marvel knows this. And Marvel has taken advantage of this.

Believe it or not, it doesn't need to be this way. According to inflation figures (figuring in everything from paper to printing) from the Comic Book Resources column “Lying in the Gutters” by Rich Johnston, comics should be dirt cheap. In 1977, a thirty cent comic should have cost thirty cents. Exactly. In 2008, a $2.99 comic should cost, wait for it... a $1.09.

Yep, one dollar and nine fucking cents. Sorry Spidey, there's no way around it: that is greed, pure and simple. Doctor Doom would be proud.

I guess the big question is this: how can Marvel save itself?

Dropping the price to a fair $1.25—even a $1.50—would be a start. You can believe they'd sell more copies at that price, just out of curiosity alone. And, when you think about it, would Marvel really lose that much money? They may sell x amount of copies for $3.99, but chances are they'd sell twice, three times that amount at $1.50. The money itself would equal out.

Speaking of printing, I would also go back to old-school newsprint. Drop this whole glossy paper BS—if people want that, and want to pay $3.99 for it, print up a small print run of “prestige format” comics for the shops, like in the 80s. Everyone else, who actually READS comics, would be happy with newsprint, and I for one would look forward to just the smell of the books alone. (Ahhh...that’s the way comic should smell.)

The biggest thing I would do though? Get back to what matters: the comic book and not the “superstar” writer or artist. Get contract salary men, who love the fact they have the fucking privilege to work in comics, to go nuts on their assigned titles. Hire both new guns out of school and old-school legends—especially the ones that time (and Marvel) have conveniently forgotten—to do your dirty work. I guarantee that Marvel, by injecting this into their books, will see themselves in the middle of a new renaissance.

Will Marvel do any of this? No, of course not. And it's sad. It's sad to know that this may be the final thing that forces Marvel, the Marvel that we know, to go the way of Bucky Barnes. Sure, they'll always have their movies—which I will always be first in line for, natch—and kids will always have their cartoons and video games, but the word bubble has finally been popped. Possibly for good. Sorry gang, the bad guys have won this issue, and it looks like there no “to be continued” to save it.

Exceli—oh, nevermind…

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.11.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

BEER FOR MY HORSES: They don't shoot Toby Keiths, do they?

BEER FOR MY HORSES
Starring Toby Keith, Rodney Carrington, Claire Forlani
Directed by Michael Salomon
Lionsgate
Review by Louis Fowler

There's a whole new middle-America movie genre catching hold that all you hipsters have not only been dreading, but will spend years decrying: neo redneck-sploitation.

Remember the dirty, down-South drive-in flicks that permeated the late 70s to mid-80s? From the b-movies likes of MACON COUNTY LINE and TEXAS LIGHTNING to the mainstream Burt Reynolds trifecta of SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT, HOOPER and STROKER ACE, for years America had an unashamed love affair with white trash. And let's not forget ROADHOUSE, the last “real” redneck film to make a box office dent.

But then it died out. We, as a culture, forgot our roots. We got so use to our easy, Clinton-era lives that we forgot that love we had for fat, racist sheriffs, handle-bar mustachioed boozy heroes and Mel Tillis. We forgot ourselves. And then Bush came along. And that back-woods pride came back. That American pride came back. It's just one of the many things we have to thank George for.

This whole new era of redneck-sploitation started, cinematically, when we as a country came together and embraced the oeuvre of Larry the Cable Guy—HEALTH INSPECTOR, DELTA FARCE, WITLESS PROTECTION. A good time was had by all. But look out: America's number one ultra-patriotic country superstar, Toby Keith is here and it looks like we’re gonna have our clean, well-washed hands full because, with BEER FOR MY HORSES, based on Keith's hit song, this long-lost sub-genre has reached an entertaining milestone.

Produced by CMT—this is definitely the redneck equivalent of a Sci-Fi Channel Pictures Original—BEER FOR MY HORSES casts Keith as a lovable lug small-town Oklahoma deputy sheriff, rarely seeing action. Well, that's not true: there's plenty of comical white trash domestic abuse to keep them busy enough. Just like in real life. Eventually though, a pair of hilariously awesome SCARFACE-style Mexican drug-lords kidnap Keith's girlfriend, played as wooden as ever by Claire Forlani, making good on the promise she showed in POLICE ACADEMY: MISSION TO MOSCOW.

So, as she's being tortured by said thugs, Keith and his partners—country comedian Rodney Carrington (the redneck Ed Helms, suitably filling in the role of the stupid sidekick) and guitar god Ted Nugent (as Skunk, a survivalist who fires off two machine guns at random perps while the “Cat Scratch Fever” riff rips in the background.)—head for the border, picking up a prostitute and in a rather disturbing scene, finding the time for a musical number of the classic 60s ditty “Shout” in a rest area's men's room, with background vocals by a loitering group of random gangstas. Willie Nelson also stops by too, as a circus ringmaster in a bizarre interlude that seems like it was written by Neil Gaiman, minus the, you know, homoeroticism.

All this wackiness happens, by the way, while Toby's girlfriend is, and I restate this, being tortured by a Mexican drug-lord.

Hey—if this movie was made in, say, 1985, it would have been a nice little 48 HRS-style flick, back when you could easily put someone like Keith in an action-fueled star-vehicle, filled with no irony and no IQ. Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise probably would have even made a cameo.

Today, it's actually a fun, trashy, stupid little action-comedy that's surprisingly entertaining. I was thoroughly entertained. Of course, the likability of it all rests on the shoulders of Keith. I have gone on record many times admitting, before you, my ultra-cool brothers and sisters, that I actually enjoy the music of Keith. He's likable on-screen, and way more genuine than other singer-turned-actors, like, say, Beyonce. Yeah…you couldn't have made this movie with Beyonce. I mean, would she have the balls to appear in a movie with a scene that's got some chicks flashing their boobs as a country song called “Show Them to Me”, all about showing random strangers your tits? Especially when her girlfriend is being tortured by Mexican drug-lords? I don't think so.

I want to do everything to keep this new cycle of redneck-sploitation going, and, even better, keep Toby Keith in the movies. I'm going to pen my own TK vehicle, called GOTTA GETCHA SOME, about a wilderness camp run by the Nuge, with Keith assigned to a group of urban co-eds in penance for his DUI. He takes this lovable rag-tag group of loser and leads them to victory against the rich kids hunting camp across the lake, which is run, by the way, by Trace Adkins.

Are you listening CMT? Hello?

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.09.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

DAMAGED Goods: The new BURGER KING ANGRY WHOPPER!!!

My love affair with Burger King has been well-documented on this site. But, even for me, this is a new record. The new BK ANGRY WHOPPER came out, what, Monday? I didn't even hear about it until Sunday night, and I had it on Tuesday evening. I couldn't wait until the weekend, and, to make matters worse, I had an appointment with my heart doctor the next day. Sorry heart, but flame-broiled goodness will always take precedent of your blood-pumping and beating.

The advertisement, which I only caught the tail end, had a guy's mouth on fire, so it led me to believe that the ANGRY WHOPPER was going to be "fuck-the-devil's-ass" hot. Loaded with not only the meat and many strips of bacon, it was covered in a spicy mayo sauce, tons of fried onions and, in a nice change, jalapenos. This should make for a pretty kick-ass burger, right?



And, for the most part, it does. It's probably the best Whopper I've ever had. But, really, is it "Angry"? No. Not at all. Maybe it is "Mildly Perturbed", or possibly "A Tad Irritated", but it is not angry. Let's just say it's "Kinda Pissed, But He'll Get Over It".

If Burger King is defining "angry" as "mouth-rapingly" spicy, then it fails. It is incredibly delicious, don't get me wrong, but it is not hot or spicy in the slightest. It is not angry in that respect. Maybe they mean "Angry" as in abusive, but it treated me with the utmost respect. Maybe they mean "Angry" in the emotional sense, in which I can understand. Maybe because it's not spicy but it wants to be, it loads itself with onions and toppings to make itself bigger because it has daddy issues and this is his way of standing up to him. That makes sense, right?



So, should you get it? Well, if you want the best Whopper of your life, then get two! But, if you want to have your mouth explode in a torrent of "explosive fireshits", then you are out of luck, my masochistic amigo. Maybe next time I'll truly have it "my way" by requesting extra spicy mayo and three times the amount of jalapenos.

No one tell my doctor!

We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass: 01.07.09

Welcome to We'll Put a Boot in Your Ass, my daily snapshot at what makes America the greatest country on the planet. Up yours, other countries!

JINGLE BELL COCK: Let's get rid of Christmas altogether.

JINGLE BELL COCK: Let's get rid of Christmas altogether.
By Louis Fowler

Christmas is no longer a “real” holiday.

Oh sure, the calendar says it is, but, if you take a look around, it's become no more important than Groundhog Day or Columbus Day, except there's presents. And really, that's the only thing that differentiates it; it's just an excuse to get some free stuff. It's all about me, me, me--and by me, me, me, I mean you, you, you.

I stayed away from the internet over the holidays, and, when I came back to it, made the mistake of reading all the back-posts on my various networking sites and the like. It was like reading the immature thoughts of nine-year-olds. Twenty-somethings bragging about what toys they got? Really? Toys?

Even worse, people were bitching about stuff they a) had to return because it wasn't what they wanted or, b) pissed because they didn't get that one thing they really wanted. It's enough to turn you into a communist.

Not to get all “preachy” on you, because, really I'm the last one to fall into this party line, but no matter how much you want to forget it, the whole idea of Christmas--heretofore to be called Xmas--is based on Christian ideals. And, let's be honest, most of my generation has uniformly rejected Christ. Why bother celebrating? It's like me celebrating Arbor Day, when all I like to do is set forest fires and masturbate to the flames. It doesn't make sense.

Oh yeah, I forgot... presents. That's all that matters.

I just got through watching a news report about this guy in Denver who is going to jail because he got busted stealing and selling copper pipes to get money for presents. People turning to crime to give their kids presents; whatever happened to just being honest with your kids and saying, “Hey guys, look: we're broke. Your Xmas presents are groceries.” That's what my parents told me and my siblings every year of my life and sure, it may have hardened us, but it also prepared us. Going to such lengths, criminal or not, to get your kids some useless plastic trinkets, is doing nothing but turning your kids into spoiled little assholes.

You'd do better to just give your kids a hug and a nice meal. They'll remember that more in the long run. Well, they would if you had the balls kill Xmas. But, if you feel the need to celebrate, and I can't really fault you for it, because it was the way you were raised, I want to lay down some ground rules for gift-giving:

1.) No male over eighteen should ever “ask” for anything. If someone gets you something, great. But don't “ask” for anything. Xmas is for kids, not greedy snot-nosed eighteen year old pricks.

2.) No male age thirty or over should ever--EVER--receive a present, unless it's something handmade by a child, in which case you pretend to like it. If you are a man of thirty and are not able to purchase what you want by yourself, you're not only a failure, but chances are you don't need it anyway. Take care of your own wants without the help from others.

3.) The more masculine life-partner (I'm including gay couples here) should give the more feminine partner a present, preferably a piece of jewelry, or a gift certificate to a store they enjoy. Of course, this should really only be done on their birthday though.

4.) The most important rule: children should only be given ONE gift. ONE. Kids are crying on Christmas morning, after opening scads of presents. Why bother? If they are going to hate you anyway, just get them some socks and be done with it. Look: in our society, kids get what they want all year 'round. Why should they get more on one day and then bitch about it? If this is your child, by the way, you have failed as a parent.

Sure, call me a Scrooge--I'll agree. Scrooge had the right idea about people, only to be swayed by the spectral propaganda of some holier-than-thou ghosts. I should really rewrite that book, with the ending that is should have had: Scrooge, after being swayed by the spirits, decides to give into the Xmas spirit, only to have everyone walk all over him and beg him for junk because he was the richest man they knew. When he tells them they should work for their possessions instead of accepting his “welfare”, if you will, they all leave him anyway, which they would have done after they got what they wanted from him.

Yes, he dies all alone, but, in the ultimate fuck you to Tiny Tim, he leaves all his money to his eighteen cats. God bless us, everyone.