Look out, white bitches! BLACK DEVIL DOLL is here!

After what seemed like an eternity, BLACK DEVIL DOLL has finally hit the shelves. As many followers of this blog may remember, I gave it a glowing review, going as far as to say that you need “see BLACK DEVIL DOLL by any means necessary.” I'm pretty sure I threw in an anti-white racial epithet for shock somewhere in there. Either way, you can read the whole review here.

I know that some of you thought that I was too enthusiastic, too loudly supportive of BDD. There's no way I could have said that BDD was “going to be my favorite film of the year”, right? First of all, you haven't seen the movie, I have, so you don't know what you're talking about. Secondly, you obviously don't know me. I am so BORED with horror right now. The movies that I really want to see, like, say, Lars Von Trier's ANTICHRIST, I don't know if they'll ever come here. I am told by my contemporaries that nonsense like ZOMBIELAND or PARANORMAL ACTIVITY or TRICK R TREAT are the Second Coming, but when I watch them, I am just BORED out of my little afro'ed-skull. I NEED something different. I NEED something harder. I feel like a guy who knows that weed just doesn't do it anymore so he tries smack. And I LOVE smack.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL is the best smack money can buy and I needs my medicine. *Grabs rubber tubing.*

Now that original review was based on a screener the producers sent me, burned onto a disc with the letters “BDD” scrawled on it in black Sharpie. All it had on it was the movie and my solemn vow not to copy it, show it or even let my friends know that I had it in my possession. Why? Because I know how most of you are and, sorry, but this time that consumer laziness just isn't going to work. It is your absolute DUTY as genre fans to purchase BLACK DEVIL DOLL. Do something for someone else for once in your selfish, miserable lives!

So, when you get BDD on DVD, not only do you get the movie, which is seriously enough, but the gang at Lowest Common Denominator have packed the DVD with so much special features...it's packed tighter than Heather Murphy's bra. If I can stop jerking off to the car wash sequence, maybe I'll actually make it to them someday!

Just kidding. Kind of.

Here's what you get: tons of behind the scenes material, animated promos, footage shot at the world premiere, still galleries, exclusive festival intros...you get the idea. The real selling point though are the commentaries, specifically the filmmakers and the Black Devil Doll ones. In the filmmakers' commentary, within the first five minutes we get a wonderfully self-congratulatory “What an abundance of delicious asses!”. You won't hear Spielberg say that. (Maybe that's why I am not a big Spielberg fan?)

On the other (puppet) hand, the Black Devil Doll commentary is almost as good as the actual movie. When I lived in Oklahoma City, some afternoons I would go to a corner dive bar in the badder part of town to get a single, one dollar drink and depress over the romantic issues of the day. Usually there would always be a 70-year-old drunk black dude who would interrupt his angry, loud diatribes against the Bush Administration with a sudden “Ooooh, look at dat pussy go by!” whenever a comely female would walk by the window. Now imagine that guy doing an audio commentary for 72 minutes. I don't know about you, but it made me wistful. I teared up a little.

I can't recommend BLACK DEVIL DOLL enough. Buy the DVD ASAP, right here. It's only $18.95 post-paid and every dollar goes to supporting and funding more subversive, race-baiting, misogynistic puppet-pud pulling escapades. In other words: if you don't buy this, you hate black people. (That's how you get people to do what you want in America now, right? Accuse them of being racist?)

But wait! There's more!

When I wrote that review of BDD, I didn't realize just how far down I would get sucked into the dark underworld of the Black Devil Doll. The producers liked my review, so much so that they hired me to write the introduction to the novelization of the movie. Yes, THE NOVELIZATION, much like those middle school Scholastic paperbacks you bought at the Book Fair. Written by acclaimed genre artist Stephen Romano, the book delves deeper into the characters and motivations with a subtle, Al Goldstein-like pornographic attention to detail. I mean that as a compliment. Ferociously funny...here, I'll turn to a random page and type the first sentence I see:

“Man, that's some powerful-ass DOOKIE!”

See, there you go. Don't you need a book like that on your shelf? Don't you want to place it among your dusty, leather-bound tomes? Just imagine: you're having a dinner party, all of your uppity white friends enjoying the wine and Brie, only to drop their monocle and caterwaul “Well, I never!” as they flip the book open to the sentence “...you can't live without this chocolate dick!”

Have I sold it? If so, order it here for $14.95, post-paid. Order now and, if you're going to Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati in November, I'll even sign it for you. Even if you're a white woman.

OK. So you're getting the book, but what are you going to listen to while you read? NPR? No. No you are not. How about picking up the soundtrack by Giallos Flame? Well, how about it?

It literally just appeared in my mailbox today and straight into my CD player, and, next Tuesday, into heavy rotation on DAMAGED Hearing. It's a great mixture of deep-bassed 70s funk and dark synth-drenched Goblin-esque tunes, as well as Charles David Moss's slow-jam “Waitin'” and the best booty-jam Luke never wrote, “Wet Pussy (The Car Wash)”, which, with lyrics like “Excuse me, bitch, won't you give me a chance/So much ass, like two hams in your pants!”, that, sadly, exclude it from radio airplay. Maybe I can make my own radio-friendly edit...

Like everything else, you can buy it here, at the low price of $12.95, shipping included. That's cheaper than the latest lo-fi whiny indie BS from Iron and Wine or Bright Eyes! Grow a pair!

Here we are, at the end of the road. BLACK DEVIL DOLL is here. Nothing to wait for anymore, no more anticipation. You'll watch the movie, your load will be shot. Depression will set in. The sun will set, night will last for what will seem like an eternity. You will have nothing to look forward to...until you start seeing the posters for BLACK DEVIL DOLL IN SPACE. Yes, IN SPACE.

But, until then, keep it BLACK, baby.