DAMAGED Goods: TACO BELL'S NEW BACON CHEESY POTATO BURRITO!!!

I have kinda sworn off bacon. Don't get me wrong, I love bacon and all it's pork deliciousness, but it has been co-opted by the hipster crowd and, like everything they co-opt, has been over-saturated and emasculated to the point of irritation. I can only picture them, jerking off to Lady Gaga while wearing their white 80s shades and neckerchiefs while frying bacon and wrapping them in Twinkies to post a Twit-pic of. I have to go into hiding about my bacon-love, keeping behind closed doors, a secret enjoyment that is only shared between me, my frying pan and my God.

So you can understand my hesitation about walking into a Taco Bell to order their new Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito, or, as I call it, the “BachPoBo”, for brevity's sake. I donned a disguise—fake mustache, trenchcoat, blonde wig—and slowly, inconspicuously, walked to the counter. Great! The d-bag running the register has go a lip-ring, multi-colored hair and his boxers are peeking out of his standard issue black work-slacks. They went well with his checker-pattern Oxfords.

Assuming a very deep voice and the nom de plume Guy Incognito, I placed my order for the “Bachpobo”, to go. The smell wafting through the bag immediately caused my mouth to water. A swirl of different tasty scenarios ran through my mind as I looked for a dark alley way to taste this new concoction. I parked and opened up my wrapper. It didn't look like this:



Instead, it looked like this:



But, to be fair, at this point in my life I am used to photographic misrepresentation, but the guy who made mine didn't even try. So the taste...let me just say that if the cook cared, it would have been a very good, extremely tasty burrito, as it perfectly captures the salty essence of fresh bacon. But, it was dry. Soooooooo dry. It didn't live up to the “cheesy” portion of it's name, I didn't see no sour cream and I had to use five packets of mild sauce to lube it down my throat. The final packets I literally squirted into my mouth, TOMMY BOY-style. This could have been the primo fast food release of the year, but a total disregard for preparation has relegated it to the “fail” pile. Sorry, but: salty bacon + dry potato and burrito = ruining what should have been a life-changing experience.

Maybe I should just lock the door, turn up the Steely Dan and make my own. How hard can it be? Tortillas, cheese, bacon, potatoes...