LIVE FEED: UNRATED (Yet Still Borrrring)

Starring Rob Scattergood, Kevan Ohtsji, Taayla Markell
Directed by Ryan Nicholson
MTI Home Video

It’s Friday night. You’re bored. You need some sort of entertainment and, as you learn, ABC no longer has a killer TGIF line-up.
So, desperate for entertainment, you put some pants on and head up to the local video store. You plan on renting two or three movies. Oh, look, it’s THE RINGER! You missed that in theaters, so you grab it. Next, the box for MATCH POINT intrigues you – you’re kinda pretentious so this newest Woody Allen film is a definite “yes”. But what to rent last?
Scanning the shelves, you notice a box with cover art that looks like it’s a scene from HOSTEL. Hey – you loved HOSTEL!
It’s called LIVE FEED. You scan the synopsis on the box – vacationing teens, torture rooms, etc. – yep, this sound like HOSTEL. How bad can it be? Satisfied, you take the movies up to the counter – hey, grab some Sno-Caps while you’re at it! – and head home, ready for a night of entertainment.
You watch THE RINGER. It was kind of funny, wasn’t it! Then, you pop in MATCH POINT. You didn’t think it was all that great, but, because you don’t want to look like a plebian, you’ll tell everyone how brilliant it is and that the “Woodster is back!”
Finally, the movie you have been wondering about: LIVE FEED.
The movie starts and, true to form, you ignore the lame, badly done titles and proceed as we’re introduced to our cast of uniformly annoying teens. They like to fuck, snort coke and are in search of thrills in the dark Orient (which kind of looks like a series of garages in Chinatown). Ooooohh – some dude just chopped a head off a puppy…why didn’t they show it? Never mind.
The movie continues and you look at the timer—it’s been going for about 35 minutes and these douchebags are just finally getting to the creepy Chinese hotel? OK. You want to see some people getting mauled, but your eyelids are just so heavy…you start fading out. You know some killing is going on, but you are so bored that you just allow sleep to wash over you.
Sweet, wonderful sleep.
You wake up about 7 AM. The menu for LIVE FEED has been going all night. Do you continue where you left off or do you just put it back in its case, suck up the $3.50 you lost and make some Eggos?
You go for the Eggos.
You realize that no matter how hard you try to rationalize it, LIVE FEED is a supremely shitty rip-off that’s not even worth the disc it’s burned on. Do you learn your lesson? No, because you know that every once in a while, one of those rip-offs will be an undiscovered gem.
Just too bad you gotta sift through shit like LIVE FEED to get to it. Pass the syrup.