Wednesday, February 03, 2010

I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL: Where's Valerie Solanas when you need her?

PhotobucketI HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL
Starring Matt Czurchry, Geoff Stults, Jesse Bradford
Directed by Bob Gosse
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment
Review by Louis Fowler


Even though most of I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL takes place in bars, no one, at any point in the movie, smashes a beer bottle and shoves the jagged glass in Tucker Max's neck, unleashing a well-deserved torrent of grue on the floor. He doesn't even really come into any danger for his actions. Not when he tells a woman that “fat girls aren't real people”, not when he pays an elderly Mexican woman to clean up his supposedly-comical shit and, best of all, not when his buddy tells some chick “I will gut you and grind you into pig fodder.” No one gets in his face and physically punishes him for his actions. Quite the contrary: he's rewarded with sex from numerous drunk mid-level sorority skanks to little person porn actress Bridget Powerz.

But, perhaps the worst crime Max is guilty of is his sense of humor, or total lack thereof. He's got as much comedic depth as an Axe Body-Spray ad in the middle of a copy of MAXIM, yet, by the Aryan frat-boy crowd, he's heralded as a god of hooking up, an unabashed, unashamed asshole who will always get by on his crass charm and come-hither twink-wink. He's the Ferris Bueller of date-rapists. He's today's modern man.

Today's. Modern. Man. He's who most men want to be. Hell, even writing this now, it feels like sour grapes. I look at him—and by him I mean smarmy actor Matt Czurchry, who is probably one step away from a contract as a day-player for Falcon Video—and I know that with my frame, face, whatever, that I'll never achieve what Max does, be it with women, blogging, books...fuck, multi-million dollar movies! I make a misogynistic joke and I'm strung up and beaten like a pinata full of day-old meat. He does it and they hand him a blank check.

PhotobucketIt reminds me of that Chris Rock joke about Clarence Thomas: if Thomas looked like Denzel, it would have been nothing but coy, flirty giggles over Coca-Cola pubes. Because Max is a good—no, GREAT-looking fella, the whole would will always be his oyster and that oyster is filled with a neverending supply of pearls. If I was that guy in the bar, talking such explosive rectum-speak, I'd have that aforementioned broken bottle jabbed so far into my neck that I'd be shitting shards for a year. I guess that kinda leaves me in a quandary: who do I hate more? Max or the vapid women who think of it as some sort of conquest they can later use feminist revisionism to justify? Can I hate them both?

I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL is so ultimately depressing, in that regard. It makes you hate everything about the current state of your generation. It's a manifesto for the next level of the white ruling class, the Skull and Bones secret hand-shakers of tomorrow. The WINNERS! It's enough to make you want to go Chuckie Whitman in a bar with a name like the Hynotiq Martini 360 Lounge. But then again, that's what they expect from an ugly fuck like you, right?

It makes me wonder: if I had all the opportunities laid at my feet the way he does--money, women--would I feel the same way? If I could get away with it, would I be the same way? Would all men? Honestly...probably. Oh, to be able to harness the seductive power of washboard abs and a gift card to American Apparel!

Come to think of it, if most women could get away with it, I'm sure they'd fuck him too. Don't kid yourself. We're all reprehensible people when it comes right down to it, I guess. It's all a matter of opportunity to express that reprehensibleness.

We're all eugenicists, only very few are ever granted a license to actually practice.

I guess you could say that it's a plus that BEER was a total box office disaster, making a little over a million. But this isn't a theatrical film anyway. It's a tepid, bar-lowering retelling of THE HANGOVER that will be eaten up by the Sigma Pi crowd on movie night. It will be their CITIZEN KANE. It will be their tome, passed from pledge to pledge before they even have a chance to wipe the semen from their upper lip. Keep that hand firmly over the mouth of your drinks, ladies.

PhotobucketIt makes me tear up a little that Valerie Solanas, the writer of THE SCUM MANIFESTO, is dead. Who am I kidding: it makes me tear up a lot! She was the Anti-Max (or maybe he's the Anti-Solanas?), someone who we need more than ever right now. Someone with conviction to put her bullets where her mouth is! If drunken slobs in a bar won't confront him, maybe she would have... Wouldn't you have loved to of seen a debate between these two? Maybe on a college campus with lax conceal 'n' carry guidelines?

Fuck pumping a load of buckshot into Andy Warhol--that proved nothing, Val. Here's the guy you SCUM followers should have your cross-hairs on.

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Tuesday, February 02, 2010

The DAMAGED Hearing Playlist for 02.02.10

PhotobucketEveryone's favorite ne'er-do-well Magic Cyclops stopped by and we talked about today's growing epidemic: teen pregnancy. He even performed his hit "Teen Pregnancy (Don't Do It)" live on the air. We also rapped about dudes with toe-rings, Balloon Boy's dad in prison, the fatherless children we've left in our wake and more.

"I grew up in Kentucky...I've seen pregnant teens." - Kristy

"Tell Magic to play some fuckin' sweet TEEN PREGGOS!" - Mark Mallman

"Black Velvet is one of the few songs about a plastic bottle of booze, which adds to its greatness." - Paul

PhotobucketTravis Tritt-"Burning Love"
Rollins Band-"Shine"
Lobo-"Me and You and a Dog Named Boo"
Ben Prytherch-"Damaged Hearing"
Elvis Presley-"Kentucky Rain"
Lynyrd Skynyrd-"Tuesday's Gone"
The Jeff Healey Band-"Angel Eyes"
Billy Ray Cyrus-"Achy Breaky Heart"
Sylvester Stallone-"Drinkin'stein"
Dolly Parton and Sylvester Stallone-"Sweet Lovin' Friends"
Ray Stevens-"Gitarzan"
Magic Cyclops-"Teen Pregnancy (Don't Do It)(Live)"
Starland Vocal Band-"Afternoon Delight"

TO ORDER THE LIMITED EDITION "TEEN PREGNANCY" SINGLE, email Magic at thequadcitymadman@gmail.com !!!

If you missed today's episode and would like a free downloadable link emailed to you, email me at damagedhearing@gmail.com. Subscribe and never miss the show again!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

DAMAGED Goods: Doritos Late Night -- ALL NIGHTER CHEESEBURGER!!!

PhotobucketYou know how, sometimes when you're in a crowd of people, and someone starts smoking, there's always that one attention-seeking creep who starts fake-coughing really loud to let you know that they don't appreciate the carcinogens infiltrating their airspace? That's nothing compared to the jerks who scorn and scoff whenever even the slightest morsel of junk food is brought into their eyeline. "UGH! I CAN FEEL THE MSG RACING THROUGH MY VEINS JUST BY LOOKING AT THAT! CHEESEBURGERS? GROSS! YOU SHOULDN'T EAT JUNK FOOD!" they scream as they swig their sixth microbrew that evening.

Look, we're not idiots. We know stuff like this is bad for you. If you don't, you're either an imbecile or Precious' mom. Or both. I applaud the ability you have to stave off the temptation of putting additives and preservatives in your body via a steady diet of hops and barley stirred by a guy in Crocs, but let others be. I'm looking at you, you frail albino douchebag hippie who had to publicly state his distaste when I purchased these to review. (A few minutes later, he was outside smoking! Liberal goose/ganderism wins again!)

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Anyway, I love what Doritos is doing with their "Late Night" chip-line--aptly named because they are perfect to snack on at one in the morning after a rather furious bout of masturbating and cutting yourself. I previously reviewed Tacos at Midnight was amazed at how, yes, they tasted exactly like a taco. And here's their latest concoction, All Nighter Cheeseburger and, by gum, does it ever taste exactly like a cheeseburger! No foolin'!

The first thing you taste is ketchup and pickles. It's very slight and in no way off-putting. Then, a bit of cheese and a real smoky, meaty taste pops up.It's amazing how they are able to pack this much realistic hamburger flavor into every chip, but, then again, it's also scary: what if this is the test market for those futuristic food-capsule pills that sci-fi movies of the 1950s tried to warn us about?

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Oh well...you win again, Doritos.

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CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE: Where's my government to protect me from this filth???

PhotobucketCRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE
Starring Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Bai Ling
Directed by Neveldine/Taylor
Lionsgate
Review by Louis Fowler


The more socially irresponsible and irredeemable a movie, the more I'll probably like it. And, let's be honest: it doesn't get more socially irresponsible or irredeemable than CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE. It's got wanton drug use, hilarious racism, bone-cracking misogyny, rampant use of the f-word...it's everything that an impressionable youngster, such as I, needs and wants to give him the courage to commit arson, rape or a hate crime.

CRANK 2 is so extreme that you gotta ask just how was this ultra-un-PC affair not only bankrolled by a Hollywood studio, but how are Neveldine/Taylor not blacklisted and booted out of the town? How is Obama not coming out against these guys? Where's the Senate bill to protect us from such utter filth and garbage? I demand to be protected!

But, given the balls on N/T, I'm sure that they'd just go on to become cinematic outlaws, making underground action flicks and distributing them via some sort of clandestine bootlegging outlet, probably with ads in the back of 'zines. And maybe that's why I love everything these guys do so much: they aren't fakes or frauds. Their insanely intense love of not filmmaking, but ENTERTAINING, comes through in every single frame of whatever they do. Especially here. CRANK 2, is, quite honestly, the most entertaining movie you could watch, ever. And I say that with total disregard for hyperbole!

Chev “Fuck You” Chelios miraculously survives his drop out of a helicopter, pounding the pavement, only to be immediately shoveled—literally—off the road and thrown into the back of a van filled with Triads who then go as far as to carve out his ticker, give it to a dude named Poon Dong, and replace it with an artificial one that, per the movie's subtitle, needs constant jolts of electricity to keep it running. He then goes through a labyrinthine puzzle of villains and thugs to get it back, and, yeah, just from that line right there, I can see how you'd think it would be just like the first CRANK, and, story-wise, it sure is.

PhotobucketBut the original feels so restrained in comparison—N/T use every style possible to get Chelios from point A to point B, one homage or rip-off thrown in with no rhyme or reason. Mexican spastics, Thai hookers, black leather-daddies, picketing porn stars, Ginger Spice, a recreated scene from KING KONG VS. GODZILLA and a race-horse's massive cock...and I'm still missing things. Outside of a Troma movie, or maybe a Bolivian snuff film, I can even think of another movie that not really pushes the boundaries, but defecates on them with retard-strength glee, especially in a mainstream flick, the way CRANK 2 does.

CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE will make you want to actually try crank. Actually load up a syringe with chemical-based homemade drugs and shoot it into the space between your fingers. It's a gateway film to harder, rougher things that'll have you prostitute your own Asian mother for cash to get more. And, for that, I wish you a long career in Hollywood, Neveldine/Taylor. Me love you long time.

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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The DAMAGED Hearing Playlist for 01.26.10

PhotobucketIt's a chicken-fried episode this go 'round, where I delve deep into Red Sovine apocrypha with multiple re-tellings and alternate life-ending to li'l ol' Teddy Bear. There's also some gay dog hooking up and me trying to find a best of the 70s Elvis comp at Wal-Mart, to no avail. If you've got one, please send it my way.

"All these songs take me back home... love it:)!" - Briana

"Hey, have you heard "Blind Man in the Bleachers"? It's a Red Sovine too. There was this blind man in the bleachers every time the boy's team played. But the boy never got called up to play. Then one day, the blind man wasn't there. And the boy got called up and he won the game for the team. "You see (gulp) that blind man was my (gulp) daddy. He died last night...."" - Cat

"Loved the show dude...you're one funny mother!" - Mike

The Flaming Lips-"Bag Full of Thoughts" (dedicated to Jordan and Gus)
Rollins Band-"Shine"
Ben Prytherch-"Damaged Hearing"
Paul Anka and Odia Coates with Louis-"(You're) Having My Baby"
Hamilton, Joe Frank and Reynolds-"Don't Pull Your Love (Out)"
Elvis Presley-"American Trilogy"
Jeannie C. Riley-"Harper Valley PTA"
Tammy Faye Bakker-"The Ballad Of Jim & Tammy"
B.W. Stevenson-"My Maria"
Brooks and Dunn-"My Maria"
Shooter Jennings-"Put the O Back in Country"
Shooter Jennings-"Some Rowdy Women"
Shooter Jennings with the Oak Ridge Boys-"Slow Train"
The Oak Ridge Boys-"Elvira"
Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band-"You'll Accomp'ny Me"
The Grateful Dead-"Box of Rain"
PhotobucketRed Sovine-"Teddy Bear"
Diana Williams-"Teddy Bear's Last Ride"
John Texas Rocker-"Teddy Bears' Epitaph"
Red Sovine-"Little Joe"
C.W. McCall-"Convoy"
C.W. McCall-"'Round the World with the Rubber Duck"
The Yayhoos-"Roam"
The Georgia Satellites-"Battleship Chains"
The Yayhoos-"Baby, I Love You"
Hank Williams Jr.-"Don't Give Us A Reason"

If you missed today's episode and would like a free downloadable link emailed to you, email me at damagedhearing@gmail.com. Subscribe and never miss the show again!