THORStarring Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston
Directed by Kenneth Branagh
Paramount PicturesALMIGHTY THORStarring Patricia Velasquez, Kevin Nash, Richard Grieco
Directed by Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray
The AsylumReviews by Louis FowlerFor years, comic book nerds, such as myself, have been clamoring for an all-encompassing, all-inclusive series of cinematic adaptations of our favorite superheroes, leading up to a Traveling Wilburys-like super-movie that has never been attempted before. And, for once, Hollywood listened. IRON MAN, THE INCREDIBLE HULK, IRON MAN 2, the recently released THOR and the upcoming CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER. We, the teeming, overweight masses of graphic fandom, are finally getting our way! We should be rejoicing in the aisles!
But we’re not. Or, rather,
you’re not. No, instead, like everything else that’s comic-related these day, you’re bitching about it. Bitching about how the S.H.I.E.L.D. elements are unnecessary, bitching about how Nick Fury’s segments feel “thrown in”, bitching about other characters having only a one-minute cameo. Just bitching. No wonder why Hollywood has refused to listen to you for so long. It’s a prime example of why we can’t have nice things.
It seems to have reached an apex with THOR, a movie that, for all intents and purposes, is a total blast, making me a total fan out of a character I’ve never even cared about before. The movie made THOR accessible for once, but what’s the first thing I hear coming out of the theater? A group of 40-somethings griping that they “should’ve done the Beta Ray Bill saga instead”. Yep, one of the stupidest stories in the entire THOR mythos, wherein an alien space-horse assumes the mantle of the Thunder God, as the first movie in a THOR series. I’m actually surprised I didn’t hear anyone say they wanted an adaptation of the time Loki turned Thor into a frog.
With eternal apologies to Walt Simonson, those stories are exact reason I never got into THOR. It just seemed like a total reach of storytelling that, even as a kid, I just didn’t want to deal with. Director Kenneth (DEAD AGAIN) Branagh and his team of screenwriters made the character of Thor, normally an unlikable jerk in the comics, into a wholly likable human one and, even more so, the perpetually scheming Loki into a classically tragic figure that, horned helmet and all, elicited actual pathos and reasoning for who he is and what he does. It was a grounded, fun take on the almost 50-year-old hero, one that I didn’t expect. One that I wanted to follow and become a fan of.

But, even more than that, I love how seamlessly Marvel is inserting this whole covert massive S.H.I.E.L.D./ Avengers storyline into the proceedings, creating a big-budget mini-series of sorts. It’s getting you involved, getting you pumped and making you actually pay attention to what’s going on, a step above the typical summer popcorn fare. Maybe that’s why it’s hated on so much? I loved seeing Samuel L. (DEF BY TEMPTATION) Jackson showing up as Nick Fury and, in THOR, it was awesome to see Jeremy (NATIONAL LAMPOON’S SENIOR TRIP) Renner’s cameo as Hawkeye. Think about it: we live in a period of filmed entertainment where a D-lister like Hawkeye is actually in a big-budget summer movie. I never expected that, let alone an event movie like THOR, to ever honestly be made with care and forethought. We should appreciate that, not spit on it.
The Asgardian scenes were handled realistically enough to not be silly, with an epic scope that remained true to the comics. The earth-bound scenes, filled with mostly fish-out-of-water-style humor, kept me smiling the whole time. Chris (THE SADDLE CLUB) Hemsworth
is Thor. I can’t even imagine anyone else could’ve done a better job. Tom (Um…THOR) Hiddleston’s Loki is an even bigger surprise, going straight to subtle over bombastic. And Sir Anthony (FREEJACK) Hopkins? Great as Odin. Great.
One more thing, one other complaint people have had about the movie I’d like to address, is the “forced” romance between Thor and Dr. Jane Foster, played with typical cardboard wide-eyeness by Natalie (MR. MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM) Portman. Sure, these two quickly fall in love and are given no real reason to, but, then again, they don’t
need to. It’s actually an extremely real type of relationship: Thor is an impossibly attractive man, with a perfect, chiseled body and a sweetly rakish demeanor. Given the chance, ANY woman will choose a man like that over, say, a chubby nerd with a good sense of humor wearing a GUNDAM shirt three sizes too small. Because that’s what, when given the chance, women will
always want. He’s a God and he likes her—of course she’s going to like him! Any woman would! The critical anger about their relationship comes, I feel, from the pangs of knowing that you, the typical genre fan, would never, ever have a chance with a woman over a guy like him, imagined character or not. Either put the burritos down and do some sit-ups or learn to deal with it.
THOR is a fantastic flick, a good time that we really should appreciate more because, let me tell you, these good times ain’t gonna last forever. Comic book adaptations aren’t going to be the
genre du jour too much longer, so enjoy them while you can. Quit taking them for granted.

As fun as THOR is, however, you can always rely on The Asylum to make an even
more fun movie, even if it is for all the wrong reasons. For a few years now, these straight-to-video kingpins have been churning out what’s called “mockbusters”, suspiciously similar low-budget rip-offs (for lack of a better word) of current blockbuster theatrical releases. Did you like TRANSFORMERS? You’ll love TRANSMORPHERS! Did PARANORMAL ACTIVITY give you the shivers? PARANORMAL ENTITY will make you crap your pants! And, as great a movie THOR is, the Asylum’s ALMIGHTY THOR is possibly better, at least in terms of sheer cinematic insanity.
Filmed on the cheap and even going as far as to premiere on the Sci-Fi Channel (I refuse to call it,
ugh, “SyFy”), this mind-numbingly loco version of the classic Norse myths features a pale, menacing Richard (IF LOOKS COULD KILL) Grieco as Loki and, in the world’s biggest middle finger to classically-trained actors like Hopkins, former wrestler Kevin (TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES II: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE) Nash as Odin.
The Thor depicted here is far from the muscle-bound hero we all know and love; instead he’s a whiny, petulant wannabe-warrior who is prone to crying jags. Lots of them. Every time anything goes the slightest bit wrong, Thor starts to weep and emote and hang his head low, usually forcing the bo-staff flinging Jarnsaxa (Patricia (MINDHUNTERS) Velasquez) to take up the slack and dispatch of whatever CGI-baddies come their way.
Loki escapes from Hell with a handful of dragon-dogs and heads up to Asgard, which, awesomely enough, looks a lot like the lush forests of Southern California. He wants the “Hammer of Invincibility”—which is basically a sharp rock tied to a stick—so he can rule the world, or at least a minorly cost-effective portion of it. Odin gets his ass slayed and the Hammer is sent to another dimension.
Thor must man up and find the Hammer in modern-day California, or at least the Los Angeles alleyways thereof. He’s taught how to use a Uzi and...well, that’s something I’ve always wanted to see my entire life.
God bless you, the Asylum. Monsters attack the city, Thor forges a new Hammer and Richard Grieco gets to eat for another week.
Cody (LAFFAPALOOZA!) Deal manages to be the greatest
and worst Thor of all-time, giving such an emotionally chaotic performance that is should be studied by drama students for years to come. But, then again, you’d need such a stirring performance like that for a movie like this; it plays like a pre-teen’s creative writing assignment, a piece of THOR fan-fiction that is so wildly creative and so tonally manic that, if given to a school counselor to read, the kid would surely be prescribed some sort of ADHD drug.

Oh yeah: it’s directed by Christopher (MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS) Douglas-Olen Ray, the son of legendary director Fred (CYCLONE) Olen Ray. There’s gotta be something in the genes, because dude’s every bit the mad genius his dad is. Maybe together they can make their own low-budget mockbuster superhero crossover? I look forward to seeing Metal-Head, Gamma-Beast, Sgt. Patriot and the Almighty Thor coming together in VINDICATOR FORCE 3000. Don’t let me down, the Asylum!
Labels: burning bridges, comic book adaptations, comic book movies, comic books are for nerds, marvel comics, settle the f down, straight to DVD, the asylum, thor