INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL: Bloggers are raping my adulthood.
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLStarring Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Shia LeBeouf
Directed by Steven Spielberg
Paramount Pictures
Review by Louis Fowler
You should be on the look out. No, seriously. Look over your shoulder. Do you see it yet?
It’s the fanboy blogger. You know, the one that hates everything. The one who repeated says “George Lucas raped my childhood.” The one who will complain that comic adaptations that don’t stick to the book suck, find it hard to believe that Buffy doesn’t want to fuck them and, worst of all, have no mind of their own, preferring a hive collective mentality wherein if one of them says it sucks, then they all gotta say it sucks. It’s an Ain’t It Cool world, ain’t it?
Well, here’s the truth: INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL is about as perfect as a movie can get. Yeah, yeah—I’ve read all the online reviews. The ones that say it is merely “floating by on nostalgia”, is “uninspired, unbelievable and unnecessary” or, the one that’s becoming my favorite, that it “doesn’t feel like an Indiana Jones movie.”
Look, fellas: it’s been nineteen years. Times have changed. Much like when you took the massive dump on the STAR WARS prequels, you’re no longer a ten-year-old boy sitting in the movie theater. Yet, you still hold on to that intense feeling that you are and that this film is supposed to made to suit who and what you are today. And it’s not going to be. Ever. So, in that case, you will never be happy. Did you expect George Lucas to call you up and ask you directly what you wanted in an Indiana Jones movie? Oh… you did. No wonder you’re so pissed!!!And much like that time that passed since you last saw Indiana Jones in THE LAST CRUSADE, everyone is older and, suitably enough, more mature. The thing that makes CRYSTAL SKULL work so well is that there is no attempt to ignore that fact. In a fact that I’m sure is also probably lost on the fanboys, Spielberg and company have even updated the feel of the film from the 1940s serials of the earlier ones to a spectacularly awesome late 50s sci-fi B-movie setting, filled with insane escapes and over the top action pieces. It has taken the three previous films and amped them up, never once letting up or becoming boring. I love the fact that Indy escapes an A-bomb explosion via a refrigerator. I love the chase scene at Indy’s college. And you know what? I even love the whole Tarzan sequence.
Sorry to be the barer of bad news, but this movie is not meant to be believable. It is not meant to be a structured study on the customs and rituals of the Akator people. It is meant to be fun! It is meant to be one thrill after another! It is meant to fully entertain you for two hours! And this is the thing that gets me: it does! It does in spades! It set out to give you something to cheer for. It set out to give you a likable hero you want to win. Have we become so jaded that we have to break down every single aspect of a film like this because you feel like it gives you some sort of identity? I’m sorry, but I refuse to jump on this bandwagon with you. I loved INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL as much as I can love a film. It is a perfect successor to the previous three and, with the acknowledgement of the mythos at work, I sincerely hope it doesn’t take another nineteen years from that bullwhip and fedora to make another appearance.Harrison Ford is just as good as he ever was, still with that same smart smirk and knowing crow’s feet to match. Karen Allen makes a wholly welcome return, still displaying that spunk that made her the most likable of Indy’s gals, and, sweet Jesus, I can’t believe I am saying this, but I really, really, really liked Shia LeBeouf as Mutt, Jones’s son. (Oops—spoiler.) The chemistry between him and Ford is undeniable and I wouldn’t be adverse in the slightest if he appears in the (fingers crossed) next sequel. As for the villains, Cate Blanchett and a cadre of Russians replace the Nazis to great effect, with her Spalko character becoming more of a mental adversary than a physical one. It worked.
Finally, I’ve seen all the jokes over the past few months about Harrison Ford’s age—-who can forget the classic INDIANA JONES AND THE RETIREMENT HOME OF DOOM jokes clever posters feel the need to repeat over and over again, as if they are going to get funnier the 589th time you hear it? Sorry, but I am completely happy that older action heroes, like Ford and, earlier this year, Sylvester Stallone in RAMBO, are coming out of retirement to show this current crop of wispy man-girl action “stars” like Paul Walker and the like how to act like a real action hero. You shoot the bad guys, you take your lumps and, most importantly, you don’t fucking break down crying in the arms of your leading lady because daddy didn't love you. You act like a fucking man.INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL is the Indiana Jones film I have been dying to see since walking out of LAST CRUSADE in 1989 and it was definitely worth the wait. If the final scene is any indication, there is more than enough life left in this series.
I know, I know. Sorry, fanboy hive. But don’t worry—THE DARK KNIGHT will be out in a few weeks. I’m sure there is gonna be something for you to hate there too.
Labels: boy i sure do like some awesome stuff, fanboys ruin everything, george lucas ain't that bad, indiana jones, sorry i know the cold war is over but i just don't like the russians












